A Low Moment

Today, has not been a good one. I'm not sure I really want to share it. I only decided to, so that it might help someone else. I have talked to other women who have gone before me in battling breast cancer that never share any of their bad moments. I always wonder why? In the beginning I even wondered if it was OK to cry. It might be different on the other side of this and I can only pray that somethings are actually forgotten.

I woke up this morning contemplating if I should go to the American Cancer Society meeting. I haven't been feeling well all weekend. I couldn't tell if I am coming down with the flu or if my nerves are taking over. My stomach has been so upset. Looking back at my morning, I know now that I shouldn't have gone. Jim thought that it would be good for me. I agreed. It wasn't.

As I was driving my stomach was just getting worse. I was half way there and stopped to use the bathroom at a fast food restaurant. As I was walking out I actually felt like I was going to pass out. I just kept thinking that I was going to feel better. I kept thinking that I signed up for this class and I did not want to be a no show. On Sunday, Pastor Greg talked about our yes, must be a yes and our no, must be a no. I was going to be faithful. It was an hour drive. By the time I got there I was shaking. I thought that I had made it there so I needed to go in.

It just never got better. There were 5 other women at the meeting. The woman who was leading it was a breast cancer survivor, they other four were in the beginning of their chemo treatments. I will never forget their faces. I felt so guilty sitting there with my hair as all of them had lost their hair and were wearing head coverings. I only lasted about 20 minutes and then I had to leave. It was too much for me to handle. I got in the car and just cried. I called Jim and Kellie who were both so worried. All I wanted to do was to get home.

It was another hour back home - this time through all the rain and wind. I was so thankful when I pulled into our driveway. I came home, got in my pj's (I was still cold and shaking), and have been resting ever since. I have the PET Scan tomorrow so I'm on the restricted diet of meat, cheese, eggs, and water. None of these sound good when your stomach is so upset.

I know now if I'm not feeling good physically there is no way I can proceed emotionally. There will be other days in which I can face the reality of this disease. Today, just wasn't one of those.

Please pray that I will feel better this evening and tomorrow for the PET Scan. Without your prayers I'm not sure how I will be able to get through this week. I'll be sure to blog tomorrow and let you know how everything goes.

My friend Cathy Moore, from New Zealand, sent me this verse this morning. I thought it was so perfect for today and how I am feeling.

Psalm 42:8 "Through each day the Lord pours His unfailing love upon me, and through each night I sing His songs, praying to God who gives me life."