It's A Battle

I've had a difficult day so I'm going to make this as short as possible.

Last night my fever spiked up again. I was in so much pain. It was a really tough night but around 3:30 am I woke up soaked so I had a good feeling that the fever broke. I took my temp at it was 98.5. I was so glad. When I woke up at 8:00 am I took it again and it was at 99.0 - the norm for me since chemo. I was getting ready for the doctors and started to feel bad again so I took my temp again and it was 101.3. I had planned to go to the doctor by myself but I honestly didn't feel good enough to drive. Jim and I believed they would probably keep me there for the day. We're starting to understand the system (well sorta). Jim had to call in to work and tell him he had to take me. I feel so bad when he misses work. It not only hurts us but it hurts his company as well and that carries heavy on both of us.

When we got to the doctor's office my blood pressure was a little different for me at 98/80. My fever had come down because I had taken something. When they found out that my fever had been 102 on Saturday they asked why we hadn't gone to the hospital. Jim's response, "Because there are sick people there." They got a chuckle out of that. As soon as my doctor saw me she knew I wasn't doing good. She said I should have been put in the hospital. We learned that I would have been isolated but it still doesn't make any sense to us, but we have learned that there are possibly life threatening things that can happen if we don't get the help I need. Now, if I have over 101 I'm to call her immediately. I'm learning.

I was sent to the chemo room for hydration and antibiotics. They have me on a very strong antibiotic that is the only med that will kill a staph infection. I asked them if they thought I had a staph infection and they said no. They are running a lot of tests. Ironically, guess where I have redness and heat? My incision again. Within 24 hours it looks completely different. I'm really shocked and I think my doctor was too.

I will be at the cancer center every day this week for 4 hours getting the same hydration and antibiotics. It bums me out, but my doctor knows I don't want to go to the hospital, so I'm trying to look at the bright side and feel encouraged she is doing everything she can to help me. Even after we got home this afternoon within 2 hours my fever was up to 102 again. I did as promised and called my doctor expecting her to tell me I'd have to go to the emergency room. She was so gracious. that she is going to give me one more day and see how I do. Her instructions...just keep drinking water. Jim just made me some ice chips so that my mouth isn't getting so dry. I'm well taken care of. This man is being put through the ringer. If you see him, please encourage him - he deserves it.

I have to be honest and tell you that I have hit bottom emotionally and physically. It's just so hard! I had to tell myself to stop crying this afternoon because I didn't want to lose all the fluids they put into me. I'm telling you it's a battle like I've never experienced. Today, I just wasn't sure I'm going to win. I thank Jim, Kellie, and Deena for allowing me to cry through it all.

I know there are some who question my faith in all this. They ask how I can believe when everything has gone so wrong? I don't know how to live without believing. I don't know why this journey has been so difficult? I do know God is who He says He is, and He can do what He says He can do. I'm just a small piece of His plan and I know whatever happens His plan will be completed. I can honestly say that if I didn't believe in His love, this battle would have been over a long time ago. I don't know how I'll have the strength to finish - I honestly don't. I want to try so that I get to see what He does through all of this. Maybe I won't get to see it on this side of heaven, so I pray others will.

I want to share a special thing that happened yesterday. Theressa called to check on me and she just wanted to do something for me. She asked me what my favorite flower was and I told her Gardenia. Her response was, "Really?" I said they were the flowers I had in my bridal bouquet and I just love the sent of them. I told her not candles though because they are way too strong. Well, about an hour later there was a knock at the door and Theressa had a vase of three beautiful Gardenias. The cool part is that she explained that she has had the plant for a year and this weekend it bloomed for the very first time. When I told her that was my favorite flower, she believed God had them bloom just for me. A simple treasure and a great joy it brought me. They smell so good!

So, I do believe God! I believe He loves each of us individually, and He loves to bless us. I have so much to be thankful for and feel His presence each and every day through this journey with breast cancer. No one can take that away from me.

I guess I didn't keep it very short...my heart just had to share.