Different Every Day

Every day continues to be different. I honestly never know what to expect. The following quote resonated within me. "Once cancer strikes, the world changes. The axis of the planet shifts and you will never experience it the same way again," Dr. Julie Smith. I remember the hour it shifted and no matter how hard I try I can't get it to shift back. I'm coming to grips that life (or my body) will never be the same again.

On Monday I went to see the physical therapist regarding the Lymphedema I was experiencing. She believes that if I do have Lymphedema it's a very mild case. She explained the reason she believes the swelling might be due to something else is that Lymphedema doesn't change. I wouldn't have extreme swelling and then have it go down with no treatment. The swelling I'm experiencing is only from my knuckles to my wrist. She said that's not the typical location a person experiences Lymphedema (should I have told her nothing is typical with me?). She gave me some exercises to do and is ordering a glove that I'll have to wear, plus an arm sleeve in case I travel in a plane. I will not start my actual therapy until my chemo is completed. The really good news was the movement I had in my left arm. She said I actually was showing better movement in my left arm than I was in my right arm. She said it's probably because I'm trying to protect my port and the incision on my right side. It's hard to think that in January I couldn't even get my left hand up to my ear. It's a nice reminder that things can improve.

On Tuesday I saw my oncologist and it was the shortest appointment I've had so far. I had taken Katelynn with me to show her around the center and I wanted her to see the chemo room (she had been disappointed because Matthew had visited me during my last treatment). My doctor said she was very pleased with how the incision looked (the best so far), and she wasn't even going to poke me to get my white blood count. She even said that I didn't have to come see her next week. I told her I was going to keep my appointment, because if I cancelled it, something would happen. I'll give you a little teaser...I'll be seeing her next week.

On Wednesday my incision started filling up again with fluid. I couldn't believe it - it hadn't even been 24 hours since I had seen the doctor. I just kept hoping the fluid would easily drain like it did last time without tearing open the incision. I spent the day being very careful and helping Katelynn get ready for her 6th grade promotion ceremony for the next day. Kim was also able to finally visit because she was healthy and my count was up. It's been nice to have some company (Deena had stopped by the previous day too).

On Thursday morning we attended Katie's promotion ceremony (she'll start middle school July 6th). Jim's parents, my dad, and our close friend Erika were able to attend. I was really nervous to be out and around people. One, because of the incision, and two because the ceremony was being held inside. I waited as long as I could before the ceremony started to go in and sit down. I made sure we were sitting in the back. It was a nice, but a very long ceremony. Katie looked so cute in the dress her grandma bought for her. She's growing up way too fast. Jim's parents treated us to lunch at the Eagle Glen Golf Club restaurant. I think Katie felt pretty special.

The hardest part for me was having to take pictures. I didn't want to have to take a family photo. I did it, but I hate seeing how I look. It's hard enough looking in a mirror, yet alone having to have a permanent reminder of what chemo has done. I just wasn't sure I would take any pictures to have as reminders. I forgot about having a special occasion that would require it. I was encouraged that I should take pictures through the whole process, so when it was all completed I could look back and see what God had brought me through. This blog is memory enough for me right now.

By the time we got home I was totally exhausted. I can't believe how something so simple as attending a ceremony and going to lunch, could be make me feel so tired. I had to lay down and rest before I could even drive Matt to football practice. Before I had cancer I was so active, it's hard to believe how much it has caused me to slow down. I know once it's all over it will take some time to adjust to getting myself feeling normal again.

The kids have made my stay at home this week fun. They have both been learning how to cook a little at a time. Matt made scrambled eggs and bacon, and Katie made Quesadillas (she already makes delicious guacamole.) We have been trying to get Matt to eat more protein before his football workouts. He can eat so much food and continues to stay so slim. I'm hoping they will both get more comfortable preparing meals (before I know it they will be on their own). It's the cleaning up process that's going to be more difficult to get them to do. If they thought I was a clean freak before, now they think I'm way over the top. They don't get (or have the patience) for the whole immune deficiency thing.

Yesterday, Matt had a 7 on 7 football tournament in LaVerne. Jim was able to set up his work appointments in that area so that he would be able to see at least the later competitions. The players really have to give up most of their summer to participate in football. I really have no idea how they do it. Katelynn, as always, kept me company as we knew the guys wouldn't be home till late.

We had just finished eating dinner and I was standing in her room talking when all of a sudden I felt something different around my incision (I have been wearing nursing pads just in case the fluid started to drain). I got to my bathroom just in time to realize I had a really bad problem. I called Katelynn to get me a roll of paper towels before I removed the pad. She asked if she could help and I explained she wouldn't want to have to see it (I try and protect her as much as possible). I wish this time I would've had someone to protect me. The pad was full of blood - not bright red like a bloody nose, but a mixture of blood and water. I could not control the flow of the blood with the paper towels, so I just finally leaned over the sink and allowed it to drain.

Of course I called Kellie, who told me if I couldn't get it to stop I would have to go to the emergency room. It took about an hour before it stopped. I was exhausted and probably more freaked out than I would like to admit. I knew there was nothing they could do if I went to the hospital. I didn't call my plastic surgeon because I've called him so many times during the weekend and have learned there really isn't anything he could do either. I will call him on Monday and see the oncologist now on Tuesday. I had called the cancer center on Friday morning letting them know that the incision wasn't looking good again, so they did call in a prescription for another antibiotic, that I started today. I think I've been on one antibiotic or another consistently for six months.

Today, Jim and Matt are gone again for the completion of the 7 on 7 tournament, so it's just me and Katie again. This morning I started teaching her how to cross stitch. I don't think it's something she's going to enjoy like my sister and I do. She asked me, "Is this something old ladies do because they have nothing else to do?" I just had to laugh.

It's 5:15 pm and I'm still in my PJ's. My incision continues to drain so I just have to take it as easy as I can. I've been writing for the One Thing blog. The swelling in my hand had gone down a lot, but I just realized that it looks as if it's swelling again. Maybe it's from blogging?

This week I've thought a lot about my future after...I was going to say cancer...but I guess I should say after treatments, and reconstruction. I read the following: "Cancer is a wild card, it doesn't play by the normal rules. Once you've had cancer, you will always live with the burden that it may return. Whether the cancer has been "cured" is a conclusion that can only be made in retrospect." That statement made a lot of sense to me. I continue to wonder if I'll really beat it? I wonder how long it will stay gone? A lot of questions I ask myself. The only answer I know for sure is that none of us know what tomorrow holds. We might think we do, but we can't because we can't control tomorrow.

I think of the words in James 4:13-15 "Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"--yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that."

It's just a reminder to me not to live for tomorrow, but to live for today. If I've learned anything through this experience is that I never know what's going to happen - especially to me - tomorrow.

This verse blessed me today:
Psalm 27:13-14 - I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait on the LORD; Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the LORD!

He continues to give me strength for each day and the courage to face tomorrow. I'm learning that I'm going to have to adjust to living on a different axis.