A Slow Climb Out

It's been a tough one! My oncologist hit it right on target, but I was hoping it might turn out to be different. I kept telling myself that if I could just get through Sunday (normally the hardest day), I would make it. Sunday was bad (more nausea than normal), so I thought I finally had conquered chemo more than it had conquered me. Monday morning I woke up very nauseated, but in my mindset I thought the worst was over.

Jim said good morning and I realized he wasn't dressed for work. I said, "Honey, I'll be fine, all I have to do is drive Matt today - no worries." He said, "Trac, so far you haven't done so good on Mondays and I think I should stay home. I've already called work." I instantly felt guilty. I'm so thankful that I have a very wise husband. As each hour passed, I felt sicker, and sicker. I can honestly say that Monday, by far, as been the worst day of this whole cancer/chemo experience. I physically was so sick, but never got sick - I probably should have and it might have made me feel better. I couldn't get comfortable. I moved from room to room, and then I really thought I was going to lose my mind. It was flat out scary.

I remember very little about the last five days. The incision opening was bad I know, but I believe it might heal up good. So far, as of today, it's still looking like it closed up and is going to heal on it's own. I'm trying to be very careful. During the weekend Jim stayed busy cleaning up Matt's room. It's a total transformation. He did a great job. Matt will have a great place to hang out during the summer. Katelynn's room is next - before she starts Middle School. It was entertaining hearing all the commotion as I was slipping in and out of my chemo pit (many treasures were found and 10 missing towels were found - smile). Jim's mom brought us dinner one night, and then picked up Katie for a girl's shopping spree. Katie called on the video phone to show all of her new digs - I was not doing good at the time, so I have to wait until she gets home. Jim said she made out.

I always feel so disconnected from the kids during my chemo days. It's hard, but I want them to be busy so they don't have to see the ugly part of my experience. So far, we have tried to protect them. After football practice yesterday, Matt came in my room to see me - he was very concerned. It's very evident this has been a difficult treatment for me. Physically this treatment has changed my appearance drastically. I think even the cancer center was surprised at how bad I looked today. All my hair began to fall out again. I have no eyebrows, no eyelashes, and I had Jim shave my head this afternoon because it was driving me crazy falling on my face. This still remains to be one of the hardest things I deal with. I really look like I'm dying.

Yesterday, as I was at my lowest point, Jim was rubbing my patchy bald head. I remembered a time when we were dating and I was very sick. He had come to visit and I was resting. He came and sat by me and was running his fingers through my long hair. It was then I knew that he would ask me to marry him because he expressed how much he wanted to take care of me. I was crying yesterday, but he didn't know why. I couldn't tell him what I was remembering. He continues to show me unconditional love. I have thanked him so much for all his has done. I pray someday he'll get to run his fingers through my long hair again.

It was hard going to the cancer center today. I barely had the energy to get dressed. Once again, Jim stayed home with me. He needed to come with me to the doctor's to discuss my next treatment. I knew I couldn't get through another one unless there was a new plan. Coming off the steroid medication was awful. We actually told the doctor that we were glad there were no firearms in our home or Jim would have had to remove them. It was that scary and freaky. I can only sympathize a little with a drug addict trying to come off an addiction. Mine is only three days of meds - nothing like they go through. It's hell!! I have a new insight on how to pray for them and understand a little of their pain. Praise God I have a doctor who really listened and is willing to help during my last treatment. She actually gave me a huge hug today. I know she saw the pain in my eyes.

My next and last treatment is July 9th. I've been told it's going to be a tough one. I'll also go in on the Monday afterwards to receive medication to help minimize the treatment symptoms. I've heard the last one wipes you out. It's very difficult thinking about having to go through it and I know I have many days of healing until then. There's a glimpse of light at the end of the this very ugly tunnel. I know it won't be the end of the journey, just a part of the path that has been completed. I'm still very nervous about the future, but I still KNOW Who holds the future in His hands. He's going to use all of this to help someone else - that I'm certain of!