Resting on a Cloud

Every day is different. How I would love to say, "I feel better every day," but I'm still having my good days and my not so good days. I can't seem to figure out how one day I feel really good, and then I wake up the next day feeling awful. I don't know what makes the difference? I've just told myself not to plan on anything and go with the flow. Right now, I feel pretty good.

On Wednesday, I received a special gift from everyone at work. Lynn was able to visit and drop off their purchase. Last week, when I stopped by the office to say, "Hi," during one of our conversations I mentioned that I still had not been able to sleep in my bed. I explained how I had tried adding all different type of pillows, but could not find a way to get comfortable. It also caused the problem of space; with having so many pillows on the bed it left very little room for Jim. Well, it gave them the idea to purchase a 3 inch mattress foam pad and a pillow wedge. It really touched me that they would think of this, and I was so excited to see if it would help. I couldn’t wait to finally sleep in my bed.

Katelynn helped me get it all set up. It reminded me of one those inflatable boats that is this small piece of plastic but as soon as you unwrap it, it transforms into this huge boat. We cut off the plastic and it just kept getting bigger and bigger. I couldn't believe how soft it made the mattress feel. We added the pillow wedge and I just couldn't imagine how it would work, but guess what...it did!! I put my own pillow on the wedge and it allowed it to support my back and not put any pressure on the mastectomy incisions. I still need to use a small pillow on my right side to protect the incision that’s still healing.

I laid there feeling like I was resting on a cloud. It was so wonderful. I had the fan going, the breeze from the open window, and I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face. It was bliss!! I slept for seven hours. What a very special gift.

Now, the funny part (or at least I think so) was that I was the only one who got any sleep. Jim hasn't shared his bed for months and I know he was nervous that he would jab me. He said he tossed and turned all night. I didn't notice. The dog, our sweet Jazzie, has kept me company in the living room most every night. Before my surgery she slept with Katelynn, but once I was in the living room she thought I must need her and was torn between sleeping by me or Katie. Most nights Katie would come join me in the living room and Jazz would then be very content. Wednesday night she ended up sleeping in the hallway between our two bedrooms (where she has never slept). You should have seen the dog the next day. You would have thought she had run a marathon - she was exhausted. I've noticed since my last two treatments how close Jazz stays to me. Normally, if I'm sitting down, I have to look before I get up because she is lying at my feet. It's amazing how she senses when I'm not feeling well.

Thursday, I started out in the bed but I'm struggling with stomach issues again due to new antibiotics, so I ended up back on the couch because I didn't want to keep Jim up with me constantly getting in and out of bed. My stomach has been better today, so I can't wait to go float on my cloud tonight.

I've said over and over again how blessed I am to work with and for the people of CornerTurn. Their support during this journey has been amazing. I was thinking today how God placed me at this company and I believe it was true Providence. It's also been a huge lesson in teaching me that it's important to be obedient when you know God is leading you in a certain situation. I even looked up the definition of Providence and it truly defines what I believe. The definition of Providence is the divine guidance or care; God conceived as the power sustaining and guiding human destiny; the foreseeing care and guidance of God over the creatures of the earth.

God's ways are unique and specific for what He is doing in each of our lives. We have to be open to that or we can miss out on a huge blessing. I know God specifically put me at CornerTurn. I've said I needed to share how it all came about one day...I guess today is as good as a day to share it. Probably, those at work haven't even heard the story.

When we returned from living in New Zealand we had no idea where we were going to live. We were open to where ever God directed. Matt and Katie had been specifically praying we would return to Corona (they wanted to be with their friends). As everything kept falling into place, I kept telling them, "Obviously God cares about your prayers because you seem to moving His hand over certain situations." Matt wanted to go to Santiago and he wanted to play football. If I went into all the details, you would really see God's Providence in so many details, but my point is how I came to work at CornerTurn. Matt was in 8th grade and Katie was in 4th, and both were being homeschooled. The house we ended up renting was in Santiago's school district, so Matt was thrilled that he would be able to attend high school there. I was planning on continuing homeschooling Katelynn through junior high, and possibly high school. As we registered Matt for school, Katie surprised us by telling us she wanted to go to public school (both had only been to private). She had a couple of friends who use to attend Olive Branch that would be going to the public school we now lived by.

I was crushed. I enjoyed the time spent homeschooling the kids. I was looking forward to only have one grade to teach and the time it would give me one on one with Katelynn. We discussed her desire for days, prayed about it, and then decided we would give her the opportunity to see how she did. It left me thinking, "What do I do now?" My life felt a little upside down and I wasn't sure where I was supposed to go. I started to pray, gave God some of my ideas, and then started to pursue them. There's a saying out there that goes something like, "When God shuts a door, He opens a window," - never really got that saying, but if it's true, God was slamming shut every window and door I was trying to open.

One night we were playing cards with our friends the Beresford's and Cox's. I'm sure you probably remember the night because the laughter and hysterics coming from the house could be heard from miles. You have the sane - I mean serious ones - Brian, Michael, and myself. And then you have the crazy ones - I mean extroverts - Kim, Jodi, and Jim. It all balances itself out. Somehow, as we were playing Canasta, we got on the subject of what I was going to do with my life. All of a sudden...Jodi gets super excited...and says, "Michael, Traci would be perfect for CornerTurn." Now, I ask you, “What is Michael going to say?” other than, "Yes, Jodi, she would." Poor guy!! I didn't even know where Michael worked - all I knew was that he was an engineer (I didn't even know there were different types - he's a System Engineer). We laughed a little about me working with Michael, and that was that. I still had my ideas on what I wanted to do. The next day I had an appointment to explore one of those options.

The next morning I get a call from Jodi telling me that she really thought I should apply for the job. It was for an office manager position. She said I just needed to give my resume to Michael and he would turn it in for me. I was 41 and never had a resume. Who would have believed my resume? I went to school to be a graphic designer. I worked several years in the design world, then worked as a Marketing Director for a company for 9 years, then took a position as the financial clerk for our church, then worked as a School Administrator for five years, and then left everything to start a new life and career half way across the world. Who does all that in 20 years?

I told Jodi I would think about it, but that I had an appointment that morning regarding going back to school and becoming an Esthetician. Just typing this right now makes me laugh. It was something I had always wanted to do and thought this was the time to do it. Can you imagine now if that was on my resume? Too funny!! Anyways, as I drove to my appointment, there was not one car accident on the freeway, but three separate ones. I called them three times to tell them I was delayed, yet still on my way. By the third call, they said they had another appointment, and we would have to reschedule. As I got off the freeway to turn back home I heard that voice, "This isn't what I have for you. I have something else." Another door shut, but this time I wasn't going to try pushing through any more. I was going to wait until the right one opened. I went ahead and typed up a resume. I would give one to Michael and then have one ready for the next opportunity. I knew the position at CornerTurn was being interviewed by others who were already within their industry. This was not the door I expected God to open.

Well, God always amazes me and I was offered the position at CornerTurn. I wish I would have documented in my journal how I was feeling those first several weeks. I was convinced God had made a terrible mistake. I was completely not qualified to work for these very intellectual and successful men. I was way out of my comfort zone. I left every day, for over a month, crying all the way home. I was taking an individuals position that was so good at what she did, and she understood it. I thought my head was going to explode with all the different information I was trying to learn. I kept telling her, "I really think you hired the wrong person." This statement really concerned them, because she was pregnant (worked until the day before she delivered), and if I didn't stay, who was going to do the job? Well, I knew they had also hired another woman, who wouldn't be starting in five months, so I thought I would hang in until she got there, and then they would have someone more qualified for the job. Of course...I didn't tell anyone this...just my way of thinking.

I don't know when, or how it happened, but one day I started to slowly understand bits and pieces. I thoroughly enjoyed getting to know the guys (I was the only female employee there for the first five months). Lynn is an independent consultant so she wasn't always at the office. She probably started coming in more to try and give me moral support. I probably shouldn't just call them "guys" because they are the most intelligent, creative, and nicest men I have ever known. I sincerely feel this. They’ve patiently dealt with me as I learned my position.

Sadly, it was exactly one year from the date of my interview that I detected my lump. At the time, one of the partner’s wife had learned she had cancer (she thought she had a sinus infection). This was the reason I was so quick to go to the doctor. I normally would have probably waited and thought it was nothing (which I thought). Her story inspired me to take care of things quickly. I just told Lynn on Wednesday that if it wasn't for what Gail was going through, I'm not sure I would have handled things like I did. To know now how aggressive my cancer is, if I would have waited any longer I strongly believe I would have metastasis Stage IV instead of Stage III cancer.

I’m looking forward to returning to work. The hardest part of dealing with my recovery and chemo is not being able to work. I'm afraid they're going to have to be patient with me again as I learn and remember all there is to know. Now, they'll have to deal with my "chemo brain" too. I give them many things to laugh over by the things I say, the way I pronounce words, and my lack of having anything close to an engineering brain. All kidding aside their support has meant so much to me during this time.

I know God's Providence was to have me a part of CornerTurn during this difficult journey. I write all about this because this is a huge part of my story with breast cancer. Just thinking of all the medical issues and the insurance we have, allows me to thank God for sending me to work for CornerTurn (sadly, I'll be the reason their insurance rates will go up). To think of the kind things these individuals have done to make my days or evenings more comfortable just blesses the socks right off of me (it's why I go barefoot so much). They've only known me a year. I pray I will have many more years to work for them. My heart's desire is to please God in all I do and honor those I work for and with. I guarantee you that if there are any tears on my way home from work in the future it's not due to sadness – it’s because of the joy I have for being back.