What's Next?

One of my favorite shows of all time was The West Wing. I remember when we were in New Zealand that I was having withdrawals. Jim had the last season shipped to me for my 40th birthday and we sat and watched so many episodes that I finally told Jim my brain was fried. I didn't always agree with their perspectives but it was a show that at least made me use my brain. There was a phrase that President Bartlett would always say to his senior staff after they just completed a huge task or received a great win. "What's Next?" I keep asking God the same thing, "What's Next?" I hate waiting (it's that patience thing again) and I know my body is still recovering from surgery but I want to get going in attacking this cancer.

I found out today that my surgeon has scheduled her office to get insurance approval for my PET scan (Positron emission tomography), genetic testing, and my surgery to insert the port for chemotherapy. These will be completed for my first consultation with the oncologist. At least now I know what's next.

So how have I been fairing with Jim and the kids gone? OK.

The biggest accomplishment was being able to get dressed all by myself. I was so proud. My family just laughed. I acted just like a four year old who had accomplished something great. I was also cleared to drive (I think I mentioned that before) short distances and no freeways. The first time wasn't so great. I mean I didn't drive bad but it completely wiped me out. I was able to pick Matt and Katie up from school on Monday and it wasn't as bad.

On Tuesday, I even ventured out to go visit everyone at work. It was great seeing them and visiting. I work with and for the best people you could imagine. I would have loved staying there all day. I was surprised to find myself getting really tired. The funny thing was that I stopped by a fast-food restaurant on my way home. I wasn't thinking about the fact that you pay and get your food from the left side and that I would have to use my left arm. I had to do some kind of acrobatic maneuver to reach to give them the money and then getting the food and drink was even worse. If they had a video we might find it on You Tube. It gave Jim a good laugh when I told him about it. Well, the next day after my city adventure I could barely move. I couldn't believe how sore I was. I have recovered. I had enough energy to take a shower today and do my hair (if you call that recovery).

At the office we talked about my choices of wigs and they have agreed that the Jaclyn Smith wig would be much better than Farrah. I have decided that I am going to get my hair cut tomorrow (another adventure). I'm a little scared but I need to start preparing myself for shorter locks. So, when I said I couldn't wait for my hair to fall out I wasn't being completely honest. I really like my hair. "It's just hair" I have to keep telling myself.

Many have asked how Jim and the kids are doing. They are doing great. Jim is back to work full-time. He has also returned to playing guitar for the worship band. He loves it. I think it's his outlet too. This weekend he is doing double duty as they are having a worship night on Sunday. I love those nights so I'm hoping I'll be up to attending. Matt has been cleared to train for football again (he broke his collar bone in November at practice). He has been lifting and running. Once again we can't keep enough food in the house. I still don't know how he can stay so thin. His doctor told him though that he needs to either get heavier, get faster, or play baseball.

Katelynn tried to convince me that she needed to stay home from school to take care of me. Well, nursing or compassion is not in her genes so I know she was trying to pull a fast one on me. She was not looking forward to the many hours of homework each night. She has been learning how to play the trombone and found out on Wednesday that she got moved to advanced band. She was so excited. Of course our dog Jasmine is not thrilled because she absolutely hates when Katie practices. There is no place to hide from a trombone. So funny! I'm glad the three of them are going on with their lives but I miss them so much. Each of them entertain me in different ways. I am a very blessed woman.

I also get asked how I'm doing - you know, really doing. Honestly, I think I've only had one bad night so far. I couldn't sleep. I was just really sad. I listened to my worship music for three hours. I tried to focus on the words of the music so I would not allow my mind to go to the what ifs. It was hard. It still doesn't help that I can't lay in my bed or on the couch. I keep trying, yet can only make it for about 10 minutes. I'm tired of laying in a recliner. Hopefully, by next week.

This morning as I was reading my book,the chapter was about "Thinking the truth about the future." It specifically discussed thinking about aging, illness and suffering. Do you think I'm reading the right book? The author wrote that to overcome our fear we must think on God's Word and that God uses His Word to help us handle what is true and real to calm our fears. The truths in God's Word mean we can experience peace instead of worrying about the future. I loved the examples she gave and the scriptures, so I thought I would share them with you.

Nothing will ever happen that God doesn't already know about.
Psalm 139;1-3 - O LORD, you have examined my heart and know everything about me. You know when I sit down or stand up. You know my thoughts even when I'm far away. You see me when I travel and when I rest at home. You know everything I do.

Nothing will ever happen that is a mistake.
Psalm 139:4,16 - You know what I am going to say even before I say it, LORD.
You saw me before I was born . Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

Nothing will ever happen that I cannot handle by God's power and grace.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me."

Nothing will ever happen that will not eventually be used by God for some good purpose in my life.
Romans 8:28 - And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

Nothing will ever happen to me without God's presence.
Matthew 28:20 - ..."I am with you always, even to the end of the age."

And finally, nothing (especially cancer) will ever separate me from God's love.
Romans 8:39 - No power in the sky above or in the earth below, indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our God.

I pray that no matter what you are going through in your life right now you can let go of the what ifs and focus on the truth of God's love for you. I am sure there are many days ahead that I will have to be reminded of these verses.

As I was typing the last scripture we just experienced an earthquake. Not a very large one but enough that the couch was shaking. I don't like earthquakes (especially on the second floor of our office at work) yet I know in scripture it talks about how God's presence would shake the ground. So, I'm thinking His presence is in this room right now. Shake on, God, shake on!!

Traci