Digging My Heels In

I've wondered a lot lately why anyone would want to know their future. Obviously there are a lot of people who do or their wouldn't be a need for palm readers and fortune tellers (not that I believe they can actually do this). Can you imagine if I went to one right now. Do you really think they would say, "I see at least two surgeries, lots of tests, and chemo treatments in your next year." I can't imagine they would. I've never faced a new year when I just didn't want it to come. I realized no matter how deep I dug my heels in the calendar was going to change. Now we are already four days in and each day is coming. My second day of the new year brought a trip to the plastic surgeon. I had such a hard time going and I can tell you I don't know why but that wouldn't be telling you the truth. I do know why. Each time I go to a doctor it becomes reality that I am really going through this and it's just not just a nightmare that I will wake up from. It's just very hard. As much as I love to write - I wish I wasn't writing this blog.

I couldn't believe that my surgeon actually wrote a comment on the blog on December 30th. If you haven't read it, please do. You will understand that God lead me to the exact surgeon I was supposed to have. I realized when reading her blog that this cancer I am battling is so much more than just an illness. So many people are being effective by it. God is doing a bigger thing than I can even imagine. No matter how it turns out it is all going to be used for His purpose. I am going to have good days and I'm going to have bad days but that doesn't change who God is or what He can do. Sometimes my biggest battle is myself.

When I saw the plastic surgeon on Friday I was telling him I was cutting back on my pain medication. He wondered why and then gently reminded me that I had not one but two major surgeries and that it had only been two weeks. He said in reality it takes three to four weeks for the pain to actually begin to go away. I started back on taking the pain medication regularly and realized how much I was struggling with pain. I woke up this morning realizing that my arm was actually feeling the best it has felt.

I know I need to be easier on myself but it's so hard to be restricted. My mind feels better and I expect my body to do the same. I want to be able to take care of my family and waiting is not easy for me. Jim will be the first to tell you I am not a very patient person. I've never prayed that I would become a patient person either. Now, just because I've never prayed it doesn't mean God isn't going to give me a lesson. I am making progress. I was able to actually reach the kitchen faucet with my left hand. I had to go on my tippy toes but I reached it never the less. I need to just take one day at a time.

Tomorrow life kinda of goes back to normal. Jim goes back to work and the kids go back to school. I will miss them. They bring such joy to my life. I wish I was able to go back to work. I'm not sure I would even have the energy to make it up to the second floor. I know...one day at a time.

I am praising God that I have such wonderful friends and the best family. I don't know what it would be like without all of you and your support. I pray for a wonderful 2009 for you and your family.

His blessings over you.

Traci