Gloomy Days

It's hard to be real.

I find myself not wanting to share those difficult days, yet I know if I'm honestly going to help someone else who is fighting this battle, I need to be honest. The last few days have not been easy. It started Thursday afternoon.

My cousin Kellie took me to see my surgeon on Thursday. I find myself now getting very anxious before any doctor visits. Nothing really happened or was said that would upset me. She did take off the bandages on the incision (not so pretty). She had scheduled my surgery for the port placement but it was scheduled the same day I have my appointment with the oncologist, so now it needs to be rescheduled. My PET scan still had not been approved or scheduled. That probably frustrates me too. My surgeon is also scheduling physical therapy for my arm. I've developed a scar tissue cord that she says I won't be able to work out myself. I'm not looking forward to the treatment...or should I say torture?

After my visit with the surgeon, Kel and I went to a wig shop. OH...I forgot to tell you that I got my hair cut short. It has been bothering me more than I would like to admit (even though many have said they like it - thank you). So, the wigs we looked at all were with long hair. I did try on some short ones but they just didn't look right. There was one wig I purchased (I also have the Jaclyn Smith one on order). Jim, Kel, and the kids really like it. I think for me the reality is it's a wig. Sometime that evening it was as if someone turned on a switch for me to cry and it didn't get turned off for four days. My poor family.

I also was determined to sleep in my bed. I didn't care if I wasn't really comfortable. I know I'll have to lay flat for the PET scan and I want to be prepared. I started Thursday evening. I woke up Friday very sore and extremely grumpy. Mornings are normally my favorite time of the day - not so for three days. I'm not sure why I'm so uncomfortable or why I hurt so bad after getting up. It is taking about two hours before I get any relief. It was so bad yesterday that I wasn't able to go to church. I probably didn't get any relief until 6:00 pm (physically and emotionally). Last night Jim encouraged me to sleep in the recliner again. This morning I woke up only a little sore and I wasn't grumpy at all. Taking my pain pill this morning brought complete relief within 45 minutes. I had talked to my surgeon about my trouble of sleeping in bed. She wasn't sure why it still would be that way. She wants me to talk to my plastic surgeon. I see him on Tuesday. So much for looking forward to sleeping in bed.

I've had bad hours. I've never had a bad day let alone many bad days. I guess it is probably normal. My problem is I don't know what normal is anymore. I'm not crazy about this new kinda of normal.

I know that this journey will require traveling through different elements. Mountains, valleys and even through the wilderness. There are going to be cloudy days and sunny ones. These thoughts reminded me of an email I received from Sharon Riddle. She wrote that they would be interceding for me as only our Heavenly Father would know how to carry me through. Deuteronomy 1:31 - and in the wilderness where you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a man carries his son, in all the way that you went until you came to this place. I'm not sure where that place will end but I know the Lord is with me. Sometimes I feel guilty if I am sad. On Friday, as I went to read my devotional for the morning it was in Mark 14: 32-42 as Jesus was praying in Gethsemane. My sorrow can be nothing like His, yet He showed me something very special. I saw that He was troubled and deeply distressed. He was exceedingly sorrowful. Through it He prayed. I have to keep remembering I am going through it. No matter how painful this journey is I'm not able to go around it, I must go through it. I will not go through it alone. In the darkest moments He is with me.

"I will bring the blind by a way they did not know; I will lead them in paths they have not known. I will make darkness light before them, and crooked places straight. These things I will do for them, and not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God. The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;" Isaiah 43:3

I thank you so much for your prayers. I continue to rest in His hands.

Traci