A Continued Lesson In Patience

My, brothers and sisters, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience, but let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. James 1:2-4

Right about now I want to scream!! As I was thinking that, I was gently reminded of the above scripture verse. It's bad enough dealing with the knowledge that you have cancer. It's a whole other thing dealing with insurance, scheduling doctor appointments, handling disability claims, and so many other aspects. Obviously, there is much I lack because I am falling into the abyss of the medical system. I don't want to whine. I am very thankful that I have insurance. It's just hard being patient waiting for the doctor appointments and tests. Nothing is urgent for them - especially me. Cancer must be an epidemic right now. I feel bad that the doctor offices are being overflowed with patients and I realize each person is just as important. I don't know if it is frustrating or honestly just scary. I wonder what is happening inside of my body during the wait? I mean I had no symptoms and then I found out I have Stage 3 breast cancer. We wait to know if it is Stage 4. The doctor that I was referred to and that I want to see is not accepting patients until February 24th. My surgeon says she doesn't want me to wait until the end of January. I have been scheduled with another doctor on February 2nd. Please pray that God puts me with the doctor He wants. I cannot go out of my plan or even venture out to other facilities without a referral. I am taking a lot of deep breaths. I desire to be patient and to trust. It's not always easy.

Enough of my emotional explosion.

This last weekend was very busy. So much, that I've done really nothing for the last three days. I've rested and picked up the kids from school. I feel very unproductive.

Saturday we finally took down our Christmas decorations. It has only been a few times that I have left our Christmas decorations up till New Year's. Never have we left them up until Jan. 10th. I just wasn't up to taking them down before Saturday. Jim and Katie were a great help. Matthew proclaimed that he hated Christmas because of the decorations. I then asked him to return everything he had received for Christmas that was on his body at the time. He would have been only left with a pair of pants and a bracelet. He still didn't help and I'm not sure he even understood what I was trying to get across. He finally was forced to assist Jim in putting the boxes up in the rafters over the garage. As he was helping he was standing on top of the motorcycle trailer. He lost his balance and fell smack down on his back on the concrete floor. He was fine. Can you imagine if he was seriously hurt? I would have had serious mom guilt and probably would have never suggested he help with Christmas decorations again.

Saturday evening Jim and I attended Matt's football banquet. It was 5 1/2 hours long. I don't think my first big adventure should have been that long.

Of course I have another funny story to tell you. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a I Love Lucy episode. At the banquet the boys are required to dress in slacks, a nice shirt, and tie. With their dress code I had decided I wanted to dress in something nice. I was also very tired of having to dress with button up tops. I picked a blouse that I felt would be easy enough to get into and it was. It was nice to dress up. When we got home I went into my room to change. I tried several ways to get out of the blouse with no success. I finally had to get Jim and see if he could help me. Oh my gosh!! Talk about funny. We tried to move my arms in all these weird positions to get out of the top. We were laughing and couldn't believe it was happening. I can't remember how we finally got it off but I know it was close to getting cut off. If Jim wasn't there I would have had to take scissors to it. I'll be sticking to button up shirts for a little longer.

I also decided that I would try and sleep in our bed again. I've lost count on how many days I've been sleeping in the recliner. I thought I was so tired that if it hurt I would just fall asleep anyway. Jim kept making silly comments about having a wife back. He was making me laugh so much that Katie came in to see what was going on. I told him I was beginning to really hurt and he told me to stop being a wimp. So...I had to wait until he fell asleep until I could crawl out of bed. I felt as if I was sneeking out of the house. I was in so much pain I could barely get up. I thought I was being quiet enough. Jim just told me yesterday that he heard me but that he didn't say anything. I just long to have a whole night (not 30 minutes) to sleep in my bed.

Sunday morning I was exhausted. I didn't think I could get up and drive to church. I was so glad I was able to. It was nice to see so many people. The worship was great (the lead guitarist is really cute too...in case you don't know it's Jim...I wouldn't want you to think I would say that about another guy). Pastor Greg gave his annual Vision Sunday message. The first question he asked was, "What is the Lord calling you to this year?" He had us think about it for a moment. I wrote - A Ministry of Hope. I know that my year isn't going to be filled with many enjoyable things ahead, yet I can't face it without holding on to hope. I want to be able to help others know that they can also have hope. So many people came up to me on Sunday telling me how much the blog has meant to them. I never expected this to happen. Every day I hear how someone has given the blog address out to people I have never met. If my struggles and victories can help encourage others than I know this battle is not in vain. I don't know what my final outcome will be. God does. Every day I am so encouraged as I read the Bible. It is filled with so much truth that provides hope for everyone. I'm in the process of setting up another blog that will give Biblical inspiration - nothing about cancer. I will send you the blog address as soon as I have a few things written. Now Sarah...don't start bugging me (smile).

I think everyone I talk to knows someone or is having a difficult time. Mine is cancer. Others are struggling with losing their job, not being able to pay their mortgage, financial difficulties, teen issues, the loss of a loved one. We all have something or even more than one. Life is not easy. I pray through it though you can have a peace and hope that only God provides.

Psalm 31:24 - Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart, all you who hope in the LORD.

I know for me, I have to keep trusting and hoping.

I will be seeing my surgeon tomorrow so I'll probably have an update by the weekend.

Blessings over you,
Traci