His Way Is Perfect

First, let me say I was SO GLAD to see 2009 leave. It wasn't one of my favorite years. Maybe it was one of my most memorable, but I'm not sure I liked how much pain and suffering it brought. Someone taught me once that when you go through a time that has brought much difficulty it's easy to transfer that pain on to one occurrence, a specific event, or even a person (I hope that makes sense - I'm not sure how to explain it - I just believe it to be true). I can visually see the numbers 2009 and transfer all that I've been through on those four numbers.

I couldn't wait for a new year. I do believe it will be better, even with the news I've received this week.

I guess I should start by telling you I still haven't felt the best. I'm fighting through it but it really has been a fight. I just knew something still wasn't right. I had another x-ray on December 30th and because my Pulmonologist requests the film I got to see them before he did. He has been very good at trying to explain everything to me, so when I saw the films my first thought was, "This doesn't look good. I think it actually looks worse." Well, I'm no doctor so I wasn't going to worry about it. I could tell that the medication was not working and that I had no progress with the incentive spirometer. It felt like my breathing was more labored. I saw my cousin Kellie on the 31st and she said she could actually hear the crackling in my chest.

I had an appointment again yesterday with my pulmonary doctor and he confirmed that the x-rays show that my lungs have gotten worse. He also confirmed that I am crackling more than when I saw him three weeks ago. He says it sounds like Velcro being pulled apart each time I breath. He calls it Interstitial Lung Disease - which basically means there's a problem, yet they don't know what is causing it.

The plan is for me to have two blood panels drawn (he is looking for a few specifics but we won't address those at this time - no reason to freak everyone out), I will have a Pulmonary function test done at the hospital, a high resolution CT scan, and Bronchoscopy (he will be going down my throat with a camera). If these tests do not provide specific results then I would have to have a lung biopsy at UCLA, UCI or UC San Diego. You know what I'm praying for and ask that you pray too. I don't want to have a lung biopsy. I pray these next four tests will give my doctor the exact reason for my lung and breathing issues. He seems very positive that no matter what the results turn out to be, it can be treatable.

Now, I know this blog is about my journey with breast cancer. You would have thought after December 8th and my news of "cancer free" I could have closed down shop. Well, I still believe I'm on a specific journey. There are times that I wonder if so many people want me to continue to blog that I have to give you something to read about...trust me I'm willing to write about anything else other than my health.

So, I'm going to continue to share my journey with you. I have to say I was dealing with some shock yesterday asking myself, "How can I be facing something again so quickly after dealing with cancer?" My doctor says my ILD does not have to do with the cancer or chemo. It's related more to my immune system being deficient during treatments. It wasn't just my body fighting through the treatments but the infections I had at the same time. Remember, I almost ran a fever for six months straight. It just couldn't be easy on my body.

I don't know the dates for my tests yet. I will post them as soon as I know. I also have to wait for my reconstructive surgery until they know my lungs can handle another surgery. I'm trying to be very patient dealing with this very uncomfortable expander.

I'm continuing to work. My 20 hours so far this week seem more like 40. I enjoy being back and have started to get in the swing of things again. Unfortunately for them, my pronunciation skills have not improved. I'm seriously considering speech therapy. It's obvious my brain and mouth are not connected. Maybe that's what they will find when they put the camera down my throat? Ha, ha - Smile!

Yesterday morning before I went to work I was selecting a new Bible verse to memorize. Beth Moore has inspired me to memorize two verses a month. I already have one down, so I was ready for my second one. I decided to look through my journal and see if there was a verse I read that I needed to put to memory. I decided on 2 Samuel 22:31 - "As for God, His way is perfect; The word of the LORD is proven; He is a shield to all who trust in Him." Now, I don't believe that was just a random verse that just popped out at me. I believe with all of my heart that the Lord knew I would need that verse yesterday afternoon. When I started questioning why this was happening, all I heard was, "My way is perfect."

You're going to think I'm crazy but one of the things I was most concerned about yesterday was the fact that I might have to have the Bronchoscopy at Riverside Community Hospital. My doctor works out of Riverside and not out of Corona. It's not that there is anything wrong with Riverside but my nurse angels are at Corona Regional. How do I have a procedure without Cheryl, Dawn, Margie, or the other Cheryl? I started to tear up thinking I would be somewhere else without them there. That is what I was freaking out about. Forget the fact that I heard the words Lung Disease. God said, "Traci, trust me, MY WAY is perfect."

On January 1, 2010 I read Deuteronomy, chapter 11, verses 1-21. Verse 7 - "but your eyes have seen every great act of the LORD which He did." Yes, as much as I disliked 2009, I know God was Sovereign and in control. He has made this path as straight as it can be. I know verse 11:21 is talking about the land of Israel, but I can see that God looked at the land in which I walked this last year, "a land for which the LORD your God cares, the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it, from the beginning of the year to the end of the year." His eyes were on my path last year, and His eyes continue to be on my path this year.

I love this quote from Mrs. Charles E. Cowman, "If He be the Source of our mercies, they can never fail us." I know He is my Source. I can fail Him, but He will never fail me. I can question all day long, yet I will continue to know His way is perfect. I can only find peace when I can say, "I trust Him."

It's another year and my journey continues. I wanted it to be finished when 2009 ended but it's just a longer journey than I expected. I'm very thankful to have your love, support, and prayers through it all.

This is probably my next verse I need to memorize...

Deuteronomy 30:20 - "that you may love the LORD your God, that you may obey His voice, and that you may cling to Him, for HE is your life and the length of your days;"