Ready to Fly

Sunday just wasn't a good day, well at least not for me physically. It was my first weekend after working a full week, and Saturday night I had another one of "my episodes." I haven't shared about "my episodes" because I just keep thinking they are going to go away, and we have no idea what is causing them.

I've had 5 or 6 so far. My first one was on December 18th. One minute I'm perfectly fine and then all of sudden I start feeling bad (I can't explain how I feel - it's just not right). I get really, really cold. The first time I checked to see if I had a fever because I couldn't warm up. Blanket, after blanket, socks, flannels - nothing helps. I then start to yawn - a lot. It's really weird. The yawning really hurts. The Pulmonologist thought it could be related to low blood sugar but I have eaten before each episode. The only link that Jim and I could put them to was that I had gone a long time in between taking anything for pain. But we have no idea if it's related or not.

My last one was Saturday night. I started to cough first this time, and then started to get cold. I immediately started getting blankets thinking if I could get warm quicker maybe I wouldn't have the whole ordeal. It did help some, but it is really starting to scare me. During the last two I've made Jim stay with me. I don't know what's going to happen. The episode on Dec. 30th lasted 5 hours. Saturday night I finally fell asleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night I was sure a truck had rolled over me. I was completely worthless Sunday. I couldn't go to church (which was Vision Sunday), and thought I would feel better in the evening for our special worship night. I told Jim I could get there but I just wouldn't feel up to singing. I felt as if I had waisted a whole day away.

As I laid on the couch, I watched a taping of NorthPoint TV with Andy Stanley. This is the first time I've watched him (note: I can't give a recommendation on someone I've only heard once). He gave a message that was just what I needed for Sunday. The strange thing was that I looked on the website to listen to it again...and it was no where to be found. I'm glad I got up, grabbed my journal, and took notes (yes, I'm always taking notes).

The message was about not getting weary while doing good (Gal. 6:9). Now, I don't feel like I'm doing much good with my life right about now, but I sure feel weary. I'm so SICK of being SICK! This message was so encouraging to me as I sat on that couch. He went to my favorite book in the Bible Isaiah, and even to one of my favorite chapters. It was one of those verses that I have treasured for years and years. Honestly, I probably glance over it now because I have heard it so many times, as it's printed on bookmarks, plaques, pictures, and everything else. I'm glad it became fresh and special to me all over again on Sunday.

"Have you not known? Have you not heard? The everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, neither faints nor is weary. His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the weak, and to those who have no might He increases strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall, but those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

Andy Stanley said the word "wait" is also listed as hope in some translations. He said it's translated as an eagerness - knowing something is about to happen and being ready. Leaning forward in anticipation. The message was about not losing your hope when you become weary. "Do not abandon the Lord when you think He is not active, or acting as quick as you think He should, or reacting in the way you think He should. Your weariness is not a reflection of what He can or will do." Isn't that a great statement? Here is another one. "God is most honored, most glorified, gets more credit, when we live as if He is present when there is no evidence of presence or activity. When you are weary and you remain faithful - He will give you strength. To the degree you put your hope in Him, He will give you strength." Lean hard into Him!!

He also made a comment about us looking at the clock, staring at the minute hand, but God is looking at the calendar. I know that is so true. Our perspective is so limited.

I know He is the only one who can regain my strength. Right now He is the only one who knows what is happening to my body and my lungs. He knows. Soon when my strength is renewed I will mount up with wings like eagles. I'm ready to fly!! I really am.

I was so frustrated feeling so sick again on Sunday, but there in my living room, God gave me a message just for me. I needed to hear it right then, and right there. I've thought about nothing else but that His understanding is unsearchable. I might be tired of all of this health stuff, but He's not. He once again demonstrated to me that He knows what I'm going through and He wanted me to know that He cares. He knows I can't breath. He knows that I'm scared. He knows I hate tests, He knows I hate hospitals. He knows everything about me and yet He loves me. I would have given up on me by now, but He continues to show me that He's real and He is present.

He just wants me to lean into Him and trust Him more.

I'm so ready to fly and leave this world of illness. It's just going to have to be in His time and His way. I know if He chooses He could heal me in a minute. I'm ready. Whether it's through His touch or the hands of a doctor. I'm just ready.

It reminds me of one of my favorite songs. You can click on the link and enjoy "I'm Ready to Fly" by FFH.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kB04Eji4Pbw&feature=related

I will have three of my four tests on this Thursday, January 14th. My pulmonary function test is from 2pm to 3 pm. I told my cousin Kellie that I won't make it for an hour, so it will either be a shorter test or I'll be dead. My CT scan is from 4pm to 5 pm. They told me I could rest for an hour in the chamber after the breathing test. In between I will have my blood drawn. So, please pray for clear results, and pictures. Jim's mom is taking me and I'm praying I will be brave in front of her. I don't think she's ever experienced her daughter-in-love (not law) having an anxiety attack before medical tests. It's not a pretty sight.

Obviously, God has a lot of work to do in and with me until I'm ready to fly.