Taking Deep Breaths

It's been a strange week. Just when I believe I'm supposed to be focusing on getting through radiation, which I am, I get another situation that takes precedent.

On Sunday morning I woke up having difficulty taking a deep breath. It scared me because I've never experienced respiratory problems before. Throughout the day I didn't feel good, but lately that isn't unusual. Monday morning at 4:15 am I woke up gasping for a breath. I started coughing really bad and was having a very difficult time being able to take even one deep breath. I was so scared I wasn't sure if we should call 911. I always think I'm not bad enough to do that.

I asked Jim to stay home and I called the cancer center as soon as the office opened. I was able to see my oncologist's assistant first thing. She couldn't hear my lungs very well because every time I tried to take a deep breath I would cough. My oxygen level was good (which surprised me because it felt like I wasn't getting enough). After seeing her I saw the radiation oncologist that was in the office (not my doctor). He said that I wasn't moving very much air and as soon as he asked me to take a deep breath the coughing started all over again. He strongly believes this situation has nothing to do with my radiation treatments, and encouraged me to continue with having my radiation treatment before leaving the office. I was given a referral to have a chest x-ray, and was given a prescription for an inhaler (which has helped a little). So far I haven't heard any results from the x-ray.

On Wednesday, when I arrived for my appointment for radiation, I was told that my doctor has order a CT scan of the chest, and a certain type of test (can't remember the name) for my heart. I'm just waiting for insurance approval. It reassures me that these tests are being ordered. They said that they always rule out the worst case scenario first - that the cancer has spread. I know they will refer me to a specialist depending on the results. Honestly...I think all of this could just be due to seasonal allergies but my system is so weak that it's hard to fight through it.

Each morning I wake up having trouble breathing. I cough for awhile and then try to sit in the chair and rest. I told Jim that I'm scared to fall asleep because I don't know what will happen when I wake up. During the day I don't feel terrible but I don't feel good either.

I was able to work on Tuesday and Wednesday, but didn't feel I had the strength to go in today. My work continues to be very supportive, yet I feel bad when I can't be there. I know it's me being hard on myself. Every day that I can't go to work just reminds me that my life is still not back to normal as I would like. As I look at the months ahead I realize that normal is still a long way off.

Today, I completed radiation treatment number 17. I'm half way through my scheduled treatment. It's has only been the last couple of days that my skin is beginning to feel as if I have a sunburn. I've been putting lotion on several times a day. Last night I began putting Aloe Vera gel on before going to bed. My fatigue seems to come and go. One day I feel fine and the next day I feel like a truck rolled over me. The evenings are the hardest. I don't have much energy for my family, which I feel bad about. I haven't even been reading or writing in the evening. The two things I love to do the most just takes too much energy right now. I keep telling Jim I'm sure I'll feel like myself by Thanksgiving, and he keeps telling me to give myself till Christmas. I'm wondering this moment if he means this year or next?

I haven't shared that in the last two weeks we've had another drama in our household. Our sweet dog Jasmine has been a very sick puppy (well she's almost three). Somehow she developed a bladder infection that caused her bladder to thicken, and fill with stones. Within 10 days she went from showing some symptoms to having surgery. I struggled with having to spend the money, but honestly she has been such a companion for me during my battle with cancer, that I couldn't imagine not having her right now. This last week as I've been struggling to get a breath she is right there. She gets right in my face and I think she is trying to help me breath. Monday night when I was so sick she couldn't lay close enough. I've been so blessed to have her during this time. I know for those who are not pet lovers would not understand any of this. I'm just thankful that she is doing much better. They gave us some of the stones they pulled from her bladder. I was thinking of putting them under my pillow and seeing if there is a stone fairy (you know like the tooth fairy). Ha, ha.

On a serious note - two nights ago my Mum's father passed away. Grandpa Johnny had been battling Prostate Cancer for a few years and only two weeks ago found out that the cancer had spread to his liver. Hospice was only called in on Monday, and he breathed his last breath on Tuesday evening. Please pray for my mum Barb, my dad Lynn, sister Ashley, and brother Dylan. Grandpa Johnny had been living with them for the last two years. My heart hurts for them. It's never easy losing one that you love.

Some days you have to dig deep for hope. With my breathing recently, and with the loss of those who have battled cancer, I realize how quickly things can change. I hug Jim and the kids tighter lately, and I express my love more frequently to my family and friends.

I encourage you to do the same.