Celebrating Life

"A light doesn't shine as brightly when seen from the mountaintop of victory. It is most effective illuminating in an otherwise dark valley." Jerry B. Jenkins

In my last blog I mentioned that I wouldn't be able to see the Radiation Oncologist until the week before my surgery. I knew the doctor would be in town the next day (Wednesday), but they had told me he had several appointments and four new consultations. I asked if there was a cancellation to please call me. I also joked with them that I might have to pray someone would get the flu. Well, I didn't pray that specifically - I just prayed I would be able to get in on Wednesday. I got a phone call at 1:00 pm letting me know that the doctor could see me at 4:00 pm that day if I was able to get there. I said, "I will be there."

Katelynn was scheduled to get her braces on at 2:30 pm, and Jim wouldn't be able to come with me, but I was going to do everything I could to see the doctor that day. I called Kellie to see if she could go with me. She normally works on Wednesday. By God's providence she was off and her husband was home to watch the boys. She said she would be there. I'm so glad because she has gone to all my consultations. The orthodontist was so accommodating that they got Katie completed by 3:45 and Kellie was waiting for me at our house. I think we arrived to the doctor's at 4:02.

As we were waiting, I had a good laugh with all the nurses about my wig I wore on Tuesday (the one now I will be donating to the cancer center). They thought I should keep it and wear it to the movies to get the senior discount. It's still too funny.

My appointment with the Radiation Oncologist went really well (I'll call him Dr. G). He started off with going through all my medical history. I was waiting for him to ask if there was a book available. He then examined the chest area - let's face it they're really not breasts anymore. I'm not sure what to call them. Dr. G then had Kellie and I come into his office to discuss radiation and the specifics to my situation.

He explained to me that after radiation I no longer have the possibility of having the expander reconstruction (which I already knew), and went over other alternative methods for reconstruction (I also knew these and didn't feel comfortable with these options). What surprised me was another option that I hadn't even thought about. He recommended having an implant placed on the left side during my August 11th surgery. I probably wouldn't be the size as I was before the mastectomy but at least I would have something, instead of nothing. There are still some chances of complications. Dr. G and my plastic surgeon feel that I should not consider not having an implant based on those complications. Both Kellie and I were very pleased with Dr. G.

I had a long phone conversation with my plastic surgeon. He went into more detail on what I should expect and what would be happening in the future. He wanted to make sure I knew all my options and what each one would entail. I have to say after I got off the phone with him my mind set was that I was just done with the whole thing. I just wanted to take the expanders out and leave it at that. Well, that was until I talked to Kellie and Jim. They both think I'm not looking at everything clearly because I've been through so much. They both believe I should go with Dr. G's recommendation. If it doesn't go well, then I've tried everything. I would never look back and say, "I wish I would have..." I also talked to a friend who also had a mastectomy but didn't have her reconstruction until she was completed with all her treatments. She also encouraged me to try the implant.

So, as of today, that is what I've decided. I'm not sure if that will be my final decision. I have about ten days to make it. On August 11th if I decide to go with the implant, they will put in a new expander on the right and then start reconstruction to match the left. I joked with the plastic surgeon if they made implants that small and he said they can (I'm guessing it's a special order - smile). There could be another surgery if scar tissues builds up on the right side. He wants to take it slow on the right side because of all the problems I've had. I think when I heard another possible surgery is when I wanted to forget it all. I will continue to pray and seek counsel. I want to have peace with whatever decision I make.

On Thursday, we celebrated my 24th birthday. OK...it's off by a few years. Matt gave me a birthday card on my 40th that said, "Happy 21st." So, we have decided to keep the joke going. I've never really been one to celebrate my birthdays. It just hasn't been important. Not this year though - this year I had something to celebrate. I think in the future I will always celebrate that I've made it one more year. We were talking about having a big celebration, but we weren't sure how I would be feeling, and Jim's parents were gone, and my Dad, Mum and siblings were on vacation in Alaska. It ended up being a small celebration. Kellie, Dan, and the boys, my Aunt Katie, my Aunt Joyce, and my Mom. Kellie made dinner and dessert. I told her something chocolate. She made chocolate cupcakes, with chocolate chips, with dark chocolate frosting. I got what I asked for. It was a really nice evening.

On Friday, my Bible study gals (Kim, Brenda, and Jodi) took me out to breakfast. I guess they had a plan to kidnap me at 7:00 am on my birthday, but Jim had them abort it because he wasn't sure I would be up to it. I'm so glad he did. I told them it might have ended our friendship. Since the chemo, the mornings don't go so well. It takes me awhile to get going and I would have been horrified to leave the house without any makeup on. I spend a lot of time making myself look like I have eyebrows and eyelashes. Trust me - it really helps. Our time on Friday was enjoyable. We stayed there so long that we almost had to order lunch. It was just nice being out again.

Saturday, I wasn't feeling the greatest. I thought I probably had over done it. I just took it easy and then realized I was running at temp at 99.9. I honestly didn't think anything of it. Sunday morning I woke up and my right side by the port was swollen and hurting. I was running a fever of 101.0. It went up to 101.4 by Noon. I told Kellie and Jim that I would give it to 4:00 pm to see if it would go down. If it didn't, I would call the doctor. It did go down. I thought I would have to call the doctor today but I woke up with my temp normal. I have an appointment tomorrow, so we will see what she thinks. I was more disappointed that I wasn't able to go to Jim's cousin Joy's baby shower. Just another thing I missed.

Today, I had my first physical therapy for the lympdema in my left hand. The therapy part was not a big deal. My therapist is great. The wrapping afterwards is a whole other thing. Picture I have a cast from my arm pit to my hand (at least it bends a little.) I'm typing with one hand (I had started to write before I went to therapy or you might not have heard from me for awhile). My next blogs might be short and sweet. They wanted me to have therapy before radiation because once they kill off the lymph nodes the swelling could get worse. I didn't realize the lymph nodes are actually killed off until today.

I always wonder, if I knew everything that would happen to me, how would I have handled it? This arm thing has really bothered me (I can't even wear my wedding ring.) It's just one more thing that has been taken away. I will be fitted for a glove that I will have to wear every day (possibly a sleeve too.) I asked, "Every day, all day long?" She replied, "Yes. You can take it off at your children's wedding." I'm thinking, "No way!" For the next two weeks I have to deal with this very restricting wrap. I've only had it on for two hours and I'm very uncomfortable. My movement is limited so I think that is driving me a little crazy.

I know....I know....I was already there!