Special Memories

It's Wednesday and the worst is over - yeah!! All chemo treatments have been completed! There are no words that will ever express what those six words mean to me. I've never hated going through something so much, and hope I never have to again. I physically wish I could just jump up and down (almost like Tigger) and just bounce around in celebration. Soon, I'll be bouncing. Right now I'm making sure I rest and recover properly. I know the next three to four weeks require healing.

My last treatment was nothing like the 5th treatment, so I'm very thankful. Monday was the hardest and even though I know going to the Cancer Center for IV fluids and meds was for my benefit, I think I would have preferred being miserable all by myself. I don't like feeling sick in front of people. I felt emotionally I was doing well until I got into the building. There is a reality that sets in that is difficult to get past some days. Monday was no exception. When my doctor gave me a hug and said, "You did it! You made it through all six treatments." I just started to cry. It was the only response I could give.

I didn't even have a chance to celebrate the end of chemo, before she began to prepare me for the journey ahead - radiation. I wanted to plug my ears with my fingers, and yell, "La, la, la, la, la, la, la." I wasn't ready to even think of the next step yet. She just wanted to make sure I was aware that she would be completing the paperwork for my referral to an Radiation Oncologist (I think that's the correct title). My mind wasn't capable of comprehending everything at the time, so I know I will have a list of questions when I see her next week.

On Monday, I was only concerned about feeling well enough to attend Katelynn's Back-to-School night Tuesday evening. My doctor said if I felt up to it I could attend. She said she felt bad that it seemed like she was controlling my life. I just knew it was very important for Katelynn that I go and I wanted so badly to try and make it.

I was able to rest more when we got home from the Cancer Center and each hour I began to feel better. Our electricity went out in our neighborhood around 7:00 pm and stayed out for over two hours. Jim, the kids, and I grabbed some chairs and sat outside during the time. It was one of the most enjoyable evenings. We discussed that we need to do it more often. I told Jim it was just what I needed to get over the last chemo treatment. I just laid there, relaxed and enjoyed being with the three people I love the most. The sky ended up being very clear and we were able to see several shooting stars. I can't remember ever being able to see them so early in the evening. It was a special treat. Even once the electricity came back on none of us wanted to move. We continued to sit outside and enjoy the evening. I will treasure it as a very special memory.

Tuesday morning didn't start off so well as I was very nauseated. I wasn't sure if I would be able to make my doctor's appointment with the plastic surgeon. I ended up having to take the medication they gave me for the nausea because I knew it was important for the doctor to see my incision. It helped. I'm not sure though I was prepared for another discussion regarding my future health issues.

Right now, I'm being scheduled for surgery in five to six weeks to repair the incision - again (can you hear the frustration?). I need to make the decision if I will begin the reconstruction process again, or have the doctor remove the expanders so I can have radiation treatment. It has been recommended that I either complete the whole process of reconstruction first (five to six months), before having radiation, or, stop the reconstruction, remove the expanders, complete radiation, and then go back in a year to 18 months for reconstruction. It has to do with the damage the radiation does to the skin and surrounding tissue. My doctor said that radiation is the worst enemy for the type of reconstruction I'm undergoing. This is a really difficult decision. At this point, I have no idea what to do, or what is the best option. Please pray that I will be directed to make a wise decision.

By Tuesday afternoon, I was starting to feel like a real person again. My Aunt Joyce brought my mom to visit me. We had asked my mom if we could borrow her camcorder to record something for Katie. She surprised us by purchasing one for our birthdays, so now we'll have one to record anytime we want. It was a nice surprise and visit. We also got a call from Jim's parents who were in Denmark. They couldn't wait to celebrate the end of chemo.

I was determined to get ready and go to Katie's Back-to-School night. My chemo treatments have prevented me from attending several important events for the kids, and other special occasions. I looked so bad that I wasn't sure any amount of make-up would work. Katelynn told me I could wear a scarf, instead of a wig, but I wasn't sure if it would really make her uncomfortable or not. I decided on one of my short wigs to help with the heat. I've learned nothing helps with the heat and a wig. I was very shaky when we first got to the school. I told Jim that it was the first time that I was certain I could pass out. I was so hot and physically had no strength. I just took it one step and one class at a time, and made it. I was so glad. Matt came with us, so it was the four of us together, and you could tell how happy it made Katie. You can even make a Back-to-School night a fun family memory.

Making memories and enjoying time with one another is so important to me. It always has been but I can't explain how much it means to me now. I'm just not using that camera around me until I have some hair. I'm still vain!

I've just enjoyed the flickering of the candle, and the twinkle of the stars, the laughter, the silly conversations, and just enjoying our time together. I am so blessed! Jim and the kids have made this difficult time one that was so covered with love. I continue to give thanks, knowing that even in the darkest hours, God has been with me.

The journey continues.