Bullet Proof

On Wednesday, my incision opened up enough that it looked like I had been shot. I was thinking that I needed a bullet proof vest. One of my chemo nurses had to call my doctor and explain how the incision looked. She said, "It looks like someone shoved a Sharpie marker through her chest." It was an interesting week.

It seems as if each week is getting more difficult. I know we're at the point of the journey that is the steepest. It will be hard, yet we have no choice but to go through it. I say "we" because Jim has been there each step of the way. My doctor said today, "It's in these circumstances when you know if you got the right one." I know he has his own story to tell, I'm just not so sure I could handle hearing it (he'll have to get his own blog - smile). He ended up staying home with me Wednesday. When I woke up on Wednesday the bleeding was so bad I wasn't sure I could get it to stop. It was a roller coaster of a day. The nurses said they don't consider me a challenging patient anymore - they consider me a learning experience. Someday, I'm sure I'll get to read my story in a medical journal.

I thank you for your prayers - I do believe they're helping. I read a verse this morning that I felt so suited my situation. Psalm 3:2-3 - Many are they who say of me, "There is no help for him (or her) in God." Selah. But You, O LORD, are a shield for me, my glory and the One who lifts up my head." I know it's my shield of faith that will continue to allow me to forge ahead. I was so sick on Wednesday that Thursday wasn't looking so good for me to be able to celebrate Katie's birthday. I had asked so many to pray specifically for me and this day.

The morning didn't start off good so Jim thought he needed to stay home with me again (I'm so glad he did). We had Katie open her presents and then Jim took me to the Cancer Center. After my IV treatment I began to feel better. It was a low-key day but I think just being together made it a special day for her. I was so thankful that I was beginning to feel better. I was the one that felt I received a special gift. I know your prayers were answered.

Friday I sent Jim and the kids off to the beach. They needed some fun and I was determined they have it. They came home exhausted, refreshed, and burnt. We're convinced the sun screen lotion was bad. All three of them are already peeling away.

Jim and I spent the whole weekend cleaning out Katie's room. We wanted her to have a clutter free room before she started middle school. He did the work and I helped save some of her "favorite things" from being thrown in the trash. I don't think he felt like I was helping too much. On Saturday, we took a break to have lunch with Jim's parents before they embarked on the international adventure - England, France, and a Cruise on the Baltic Sea. Saturday night we enjoyed the city fireworks from the Hall's. It was such a beautiful night and their home is located high enough that we could see across the Inland Empire. It was fun watching the many fireworks from all the different cities.

Today, was the big day for Katelynn to start middle school. I could tell she was really nervous. She came home with a smile but when I went in to say "goodnight" this evening she began to cry. I was surprised because she was so brave this morning (I think she had been holding it in all day). I think it's just a huge change and a bit overwhelming. We know in a couple of weeks she'll be fine and adjusted. Trying to express this to her without validating her feelings was difficult. I just have to love and prayer her through it. Honestly, I wanted to cry too. I miss her companionship. I treasure my time now more than ever with Jim and the kids (except when they are teasing me about my many faults - which, by the way, seem to be many).

My appointment with my oncologist today was short and sweet. She wanted to make sure I was ready for my last chemo treatment (she was willing to postpone it for another week). I wanted to make sure she was sure I really needed it. She was sure. I'm not so sure I'm ready or ever will be - either way it's chemo this Thursday. I've never wanted something so much to be over with. I just wish there was a way I didn't have to endure going "through" it so it would be finally over. I begged for drugs so it wouldn't be so bad - they don't exist.

The doctors are not sure how my incision will react to the chemo. I was excited because the incision actually scabbed closed (which it didn't last time). They looked at it today and said it was going to be short lived because they could tell it hadn't healed underneath the incision. They were right. By this evening it started filling with fluid again. At least I had a 48 hour reprieve of dealing with the fluid. The doctors have already discussed that I will have surgery as soon as I've recovered from this last round of chemo.

I believe if you are reading this blog it means you care about this journey I've been on and I thank you. It's just not over yet. It might be one more treatment, yet my 5th treatment was so bad I can't imagine what I will face this 6th time. It's strange to take this poison into your body, so you might have a chance to live, and then all you want to do is die (during those really bad days). The complications have been so numerous that I've lost count. I have no idea what I face in the coming days (it's very hard to even think about it). I can only ask that you would continue to pray.

For me it's all I can do right now. I just have to keep looking up. I continue to believe He is the One who has the ability to lift my head up as I continue through this journey - one step at a time.