Healing Takes Time

I know I've been quiet. I haven't meant to be.

I have a very long update in the works, but because I haven't posted the Calvary is out looking for me.

This surgery and the recovery has been much more than I expected. I have plans to do some things during the day and it just doesn't happen because I am so exhausted.

I have to stay vigilant on my pain pills. If I fall even a half hour behind the pain is too much. Last night somehow I fell an hour and half behind and it took three hours for me to even be able to move. It was awful. My pain through the night never seemed to ease up. I feel as if my ribs are broken now too. I know they're not but I think I'm just beginning to feel everything now. Every breath is so painful. It feels like someone is stabbing me.

The phone doesn't seem to stop with medical related calls. Yesterday, Sandy took me to see my Primary Doctor that I haven't seen since October 7, 2008 when she felt the lump and ordered the Mammogram and Ultra Sound. I wish you could have seen the look on her face when she saw everything I've gone through. It was the first appointment that I gave the doctor something to do. She said she had a lot of reading to catch up on.

I found out that I will be going through Pulmonary Rehabilitation three times a week. I know I need to do it but it's another thing in my schedule that will take me away from work. I will have to go to Murrieta each time which is an hour round trip with no traffic, plus an hour to an hour and a half therapy time. An easy three hours, three times a week.

We are still awaiting the final pathology results. I say final because we did get some preliminary ones. Nothing much more than what we knew with the Bronchoscopy. It's depressing nevertheless. I finally started looking into the details and wasn't pleased with the information. I had the manager at the Pulmonary Rehab explain it to me into detail (he has been the first one). It's not reversible, but it can be controlled. I just can't imagine that I'll only have 50% of my breathing capacity. I just can't think about it right now or I'll start to cry. I'm tired of crying.

I will tell you a little story on my surgery day. It's something that God keeps reminding me about over and over again.

Several months ago I was reading a blog that Beth Moore wrote about a recent surgery she experienced. She shared that the names of her nurses were Grace and Mercy. I thought, "How cool is that Lord?" I just thought it was an interesting way to remind her that He was over the situation.

So, when Jim and I were led to pre-op, and to my little cubicle. I was told to change, and that my nurse would be in shortly. I got into my designer UCLA gown (just kidding, but they were a little nicer than any I've had before), got onto my gurney, pulled up my blanket and waited. My nurse who would be taking care of me arrived, and introduced herself. She said, "Hi, my name is Hope." I couldn't believe it. God at that moment reminded me that He was over my situation too.

Yesterday I read Psalm 33. I loved verses 20 thru 22. Verse 22 says: "Let Your mercy, O LORD, be upon us, just as we hope in You."

Right now if I look at my situation on paper (or on the Internet) - it's not good. If I look at what's written in Scripture I can find HOPE. It's the only thing that is going to sustain me and keep me going.

I love you all so much!! It blows my mind that you care so much about what is happening in my life. I know your support and prayers have kept me going. You crack me up when I don't blog because the emails start coming making sure I'm okay. Poor Jim has gotten a rashen for not blogging more when I was in the hospital. He was busy taking excellent care of me. Blogging is not his thing.

I promise to blog more too. Just know right now I'm just hurting - physically, and emotionally. I know I just need to give myself time to heal.

If you have a scripture, or quote, on "hope" I would love to read it.

Happy St. Patrick's day to ya! At least I have my green on today.