God Thunders!

I didn't come up with that title. I borrowed it from Pastor Greg's message on Sunday. I will share more about this a little later. It's worth the wait.

I received a call Thursday evening around 5:50 pm from a surgeon from UCLA. He discussed the lung biopsy with me and wanted to know when I could come in to meet with him. Once he realized how far we lived he decided that we could do a consultation in the morning and proceed with the surgery the same afternoon. I asked a lot of questions (I have another list already now). He was patient to go over everything with me. I hung up the phone and just cried. I wasn't expecting the procedure he described. I thought it would be something like my breast biopsy (that seemed bad enough).

Well, this is going to be a little more in detail. I will be under general anesthesia. I've lost track of how many surgeries I've had. I keep hoping this is all safe. He will be collapsing one of my lungs and cutting two port holes. One will be for the camera and the other for the instrument to use for the biopsy. He first explained that I would be intubated for three days (which freaked me out), we've learned since that this will not be the case. I called my Pulmonary doctor at UCLA to discuss my options of getting out of having this surgery. He explained it was absolutely needed. He said I would not be intubated for that time period - only during the surgery. After the surgery they will be putting chest tubes which are placed with one end inside the lung and the other end protruding through the closed incision. Chest tubes are used to drain fluid and blood, and re-expand the lungs. My doctor said they will remain for a minimum of 36 hours.

I thought I was going for an outpatient surgery. I found out I will stay a minimum of 3 days at the UCLA Medical Center. I meet with the surgeon on Wednesday, March 10th (in two days) at 11:00 am. I'm scheduled to have my surgery approximately at 1:00 pm on Wednesday. This could be delayed by a few hours or possibly a day. I'm scheduled as a stand-by surgery (whatever that means). I'm hoping to be home by Saturday. If I do exceptionally well, it could be Friday. Jim says if it's Friday afternoon - I'm staying until Saturday because he doesn't want me to have to sit in Friday traffic. Either way...pray I do exceptionally well.

I'm going to be completely honest with you - I mean really honest. This one is really bothering me. I would actually like to describe it as freaking out. I do good for a while and then all of sudden start crying (I've had more anxiety attacks than I can count in 5 days). My poor friend Sandy came over Thursday night right after I found out. She let me cry, and just held me. On Friday, after getting more information from my surgeon's assistant, I couldn't stop shaking. My boss told me to go home. I headed to see my friend Jean. She also let me cry, talk about my deepest fears, and prayed with me. I was doing good on Saturday. It wasn't until I stepped into church on Sunday that I lost it again. It was that hug from Pastor Cal that got me. I sat with Danny, started to cry and he and Janelle prayed with me. It has been an emotional roller coaster.

It's been really hard. Jim and I have had to talk about those subjects you never want to talk about....what do I want if something goes wrong? No, he didn't want to talk about it, but I thought I needed to tell him. We still really haven't discussed everything all the way yet. At least he knows where the important papers are and what passwords he needs for this and that. I'm hating this part. I've had some very serious and difficult discussions with the kids. I needed to know some things that were important to them. I have one more day to write out some things for them. I DO NOT THINK ANYTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN, BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST HAVE TO GO DOWN THESE DARK SITUATIONS. It's not like I haven't had some complications before.

I'm praying this surgery will finally give us some answers regarding all the complications I've had which have not made sense. I've struggled wondering why this journey has been so hard, well maybe me having cancer was actually the way for me to find out that something else was attacking my body. I can see God working that way. Everything works out for His good purposes.

Unfortunately, Jim will have to take time away from his job again. We have tried so hard for him not to, but this time we are just too far away from home. I've told him I don't want to be left alone for one minute. I've never requested this before. I just don't want to be alone.

Our friend Kristine will be staying with the kids. Katie felt she couldn't miss any school. Matt is old enough to take care of the both of them, but Kristine will be more here to hang out with Katie. I know they will do well, and there are plenty of others around to help if needed.

I know I'm forgetting to mention so much. It's just been too much to take in, in less than a week. I've had no chance to even call very many friends or family members. I'm sorry, but I've had to go into Mama bear mode and try and take care of everything for the kids. It's been hard - especially because I don't always feel well.

Enough of all of this stuff....now to the good stuff.

Sunday's message was great! There were several good points, but the one that resonated most with me was when God thunders. Just the day before we heard the loudest and longest thunder next to the hills during the storm. It was awesome. It always reminds me of the incredible power of God.

Greg shared that God thunders in many ways. Sometimes its in ways we don't even realize. He said we need to:
1. Remember when God thunders.
2. Write down when God thunders.
3. Share the thunder with others.

I can't even do this all justice because it's so much in my heart right now that I can't get it out to my fingers. We were reading in 1 Samuel 7. If (ok when) you have a struggle you need to cry out to God. He will answer. When He does, we need to remember, and then share it with others. In those days they used stones of remembrance. Ebenezer stones. Stones of Help as my Bible listed it.

Well, since Sunday, our family could have had a whole bundle of stones to pile up to show how much God has thundered in our lives. We sat at our dinner table tonight and shared all the thunder we've experienced in 24 hours. God has waisted no time. In little things...and in very big things.

I felt as if He keeps saying, "Traci, why are you so afraid?" I keep saying, "Because I can't face another surgery. I just can't go where you want me to go. It's just too much. I'm afraid it will lead to something else going wrong." I keep thinking that I'm so much like Joshua. I know he was a warrior (some would say I have a warrior attitude) but like him, I don't want to cross that Jordan (mine is a corridor into a surgery room). What did God say to Joshua? "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go." Read Joshua 1. I'm sure I've shared this verse everytime I supposed to have surgery.

You don't have to tell me this...I KNOW THIS. I really do. My faith and trust in God is so strong. It's me I have a problem with. I don't know if it's just been too much. I don't want to let Him down. I don't want to let others down. I want others to see the power of God in me - not see how weak and fragile I am. In the end this isn't about me - it's ALL about Him!

Greg encouraged us to respond to our struggle by calling out to God. So, what do you think my memory verse was this month BEFORE I knew about what I would be facing? "I cry out to God Most High, to God who will fulfill His purpose in me." Psalm 57:2

I'm pouring out my heart to Him, and my weaknesses to you. You'll know how to pray.

I have given Him every part of this journey. My journey is in the midst of a storm right now. One of the strongest I've felt. I'm confident I will feel the power in His thunder and I will have SO MUCH to share about everything He did within this storm. I trust Him because He can handle the storm. "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, therefore I hope in Him! Lam.3:24

I can confidently say this is going to be my April memory verses: "My soul, wait silently for God alone, for my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved." Psalm 62:5,6

Your prayers mean everything to me right now.

We have been told that Jim will have Internet access in the UCLA waiting room and in my hospital room. I'll have him update you.

My love to all of you! I pray you will be feeling His thunder in your life too!!