Stillness of the Night

Well, it's really not night...I guess it's early morning. What is 3:20 am considered? I've been awake for a couple of hours and finally stopped fighting sleep - it's just not coming. The nights seems to be getting harder. I can't seem to get comfortable.

I thought if I was awake I would sit outside and watch the stars. When I was working I would get up around 4:30 am and start my day in the backyard. It's an amazing time. I haven't enjoyed the quiet of the morning probably since my surgery December 17th. I was very disappointed this morning because it's hazy and there isn't a star to be seen. I don't think I remember it ever being so quiet though. All I could hear was the water moving from a neighbors pool. Still peaceful.

While I was fighting sleep earlier I was thinking that when you are in the midst of a chemo treatment (I consider this the first 5 days) you think, "I'm never going to be the same again. I'm never going to stop hurting. Will I ever think clearly again?" It's one of the strangest experiences I've ever had. Slowly, each day it gets better, but never as good as I want it. I'm so thankful I had those eight weeks of recovery so that I would know it will get better - it really will. It's just hard knowing the next eight weeks are most likely going to be brutal. My body just hurts. I want it to stop hurting!

Am I whining? I'm sorry. I think it just comes back to that patience thing. I want to move on with life. I want to be back to work, back to ministry, back to feeling like a wife and mom. I'm tired of feeling like a sick person. I just think of all I put Jim through. It has to be so hard. I continue to be so thankful for him. I know what I'm going through could be worse. I just need to be grateful for what I have and who I have.

I probably should try and get some sleep. Katelynn comes home from 6th grade camp today and I can't wait to see her. I've missed her so much. Our poor dog Jazzie has been so sad. She is going to be very disappointed to find out that she'll only be home for a few hours before she leaves again. Matt and Katie are going to Carlsbad this weekend with Kellie, her boys, my Aunt Katie, Uncle Lee, my dad, my sister, and her boyfriend. They're taking the boys to Legoland and camping in Carlsbad. How I wish I was up for it - it sounds so much fun. I miss having our camper and all the fun memories. Hopefully, again someday soon.

I'm looking forward to a beautiful sunrise. I love that God's mercies are new every morning. I treasure them more and more.

May your day be blessed!