The last three days have been interesting. I mean really, is it ever boring with me? It's been interesting emotionally, physically, and even spiritually.
I'll start with the spiritual.
Yesterday, before I read my Bible, I was praying and just expressing my sorrow because of my attitude from the last several days. It's even worse when it is written down in a blog. I realized how far I had come from "trusting." My frustrations might be justified but I had lost what I should be focusing on. I just started flat out whining. I was so glad I had shared my heart in prayer because I was so open to what God showed me through my Bible study.
I was instantly reminded of the word long suffering. I remembered that in my Bible version (New King James) when it is talking about the fruit of the Spirit in one's life it is written: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22,23 Most other Bible versions use patience instead of long suffering. Now, if I think I have a problem with patience, long suffering doesn't seem to sound much better. Yet, it helped me to see that patience isn't going to be produced in me overnight, and what I'm going through really is going to take some long time suffering. It's how I handle that suffering that matters.
My Bible study was teaching about "how we fail to keep long-suffering/ patience well and how it can effect others." Ouch!! You know that was no coincidence and I needed to read it. Here were a few thoughts:
1. A vexation arises, and our expressions of impatience hinder others from taking it patiently.
2. Disappointment, ailment, or even weather depresses us; and our look or tone of depression hinders others from maintaining a cheerful and thankful spirit.
3. Wrong feeling is more infectious than wrong doing (at least when written in blog).
4. Do we know how catching these are?
Excerpts from Frances Ridley Havergal
The only reason I continued this blog after my surgery was two-fold. One, to keep everyone informed without having to call, and two, to bring encouragement and support to others who would also be walking a difficult journey. I want to be real. I don't want to say, "Every things OK or all is fine." Yet, I found myself all of sudden overwhelmed and focusing on what I was going through and feeling. My focus became about me and not what I've seen God do through this difficult journey.
On the very same day, I read in a different devotional (Streams in the Desert) another statement that touched me. I didn't realize until typing this that is was from the exact same person from my Bible study (these two books have nothing in common so that little tidbit just amazed me). It was talking about waiting. "His love and His sovereignty are equal and universal. Therefore He often withholds our enjoyment and awareness of our progress, because He knows best what will actually ripen and further His work in us." Frances Ridley Havergal
I know I will never enjoy waiting. I've just decided instead of getting so frustrated I will have the attitude of waiting to see how God will handle the situation. I believe when we have the attitude of expectancy, we can never be disappointed. I loved what a portion of the following poem says (author not listed). I took the rest and stillness from His own hand, and felt this present illness was what He planned. How often we choose labor, when He says "Rest." Our ways are blind and crooked; His way is best. We are to be His servants; We never choose if this tool or if that one, our hand will use. In working or in waiting may we fulfill not ours at all, but only the Master's will!
Now, on to the emotions. I've purchased more Kleenex, does that say enough?
I've saved the physical for last.
My Oncologist said, "I am one of her difficult patients." Now, she didn't mean it as if I was being difficult. She meant that how my body is responding is difficult. When I try to explain what is happening within my body, her response is, "I don't know. It's just you." Her response is not very reassuring. I even had Kellie come with me on Monday so she could help me come to some solution with what has been happening with my intestines. Kellie told the doctor that I was taking Imodium as if they were M&M's with no results. She prescribed something else with no results so far. It's riping me out. Yesterday, I started feeling very nauseated. I took the pills as I have been, but this time it didn't work. I am thankful that it was the first time I've gotten sick. I'm just not sure how much more my poor stomach can take?
Yesterday, my white blood count was checked. My doctor told me, "No more injections!" The normal blood count is between 4.1 and 10.9. Mine was at 46.0. She said if someone saw those counts without knowing what was going on they would think I had Leukemia. A part of me wonders if the injections are what has effected my stomach. My stomach started hurting two hours after the injection and it was 8 hours after the injection I started having all the problems. The good news is that I'm OK to have my surgery this week.
My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday, April 16th at 8:30 am. After seeing the plastic surgeon this morning the surgery is going to be more involved than first thought. I thought I would be in and out, maybe even have a local. He said he is going to have to do extra work because of the damage of the opening and I should be in there an hour to an hour and a half. Surgeries freak me out! Please pray that my stomach is better by tomorrow. If it gets worse, than they won't be able to perform the surgery. Also, pray that I can just remain calm.
I'm celebrating that I've had about 3 good hours on both Sunday and Monday. I had a tough morning on Sunday, and then another hour in the afternoon that got really bad. Jim's parents came out to see Matt for his birthday, and to have lunch with us. It was nice to tell them, "That if I get bad I'll just go to my room." I had to for a little bit - they were very understanding. I just prayed and asked God to give me mercy so that I could spend a few hours celebrating Matt's birthday. He did. It was a nice afternoon.
Monday, after hearing how high my white blood count was I ran a couple of errands with Kellie. I almost don't know what to do in a store anymore. I looked around like it was all new. When we got home, Kel said she wanted to treat me to a pedicure because I can't have one in a shop. We were sitting there, talking away when all of sudden my stomach started acting up. I told her I needed to run to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I actually did run but I had a foot that was still wet from soaking it in water and when I went to turn the corner...plop! I fell right on to the hard tile floor. Kellie screamed. We both thought, "On top of everything else, now I'm going to have a broken limb." Thankfully, only a scrape and a few bruises. I'm telling you, it's always an adventure with me.
I think it is funny that now my blood count is up I could go out, but because my stomach is so bad I have to stay home. Oh well! I'm going to rejoice in my three good hours and not think about the other twenty-one.
I'll start with the spiritual.
Yesterday, before I read my Bible, I was praying and just expressing my sorrow because of my attitude from the last several days. It's even worse when it is written down in a blog. I realized how far I had come from "trusting." My frustrations might be justified but I had lost what I should be focusing on. I just started flat out whining. I was so glad I had shared my heart in prayer because I was so open to what God showed me through my Bible study.
I was instantly reminded of the word long suffering. I remembered that in my Bible version (New King James) when it is talking about the fruit of the Spirit in one's life it is written: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22,23 Most other Bible versions use patience instead of long suffering. Now, if I think I have a problem with patience, long suffering doesn't seem to sound much better. Yet, it helped me to see that patience isn't going to be produced in me overnight, and what I'm going through really is going to take some long time suffering. It's how I handle that suffering that matters.
My Bible study was teaching about "how we fail to keep long-suffering/ patience well and how it can effect others." Ouch!! You know that was no coincidence and I needed to read it. Here were a few thoughts:
1. A vexation arises, and our expressions of impatience hinder others from taking it patiently.
2. Disappointment, ailment, or even weather depresses us; and our look or tone of depression hinders others from maintaining a cheerful and thankful spirit.
3. Wrong feeling is more infectious than wrong doing (at least when written in blog).
4. Do we know how catching these are?
Excerpts from Frances Ridley Havergal
The only reason I continued this blog after my surgery was two-fold. One, to keep everyone informed without having to call, and two, to bring encouragement and support to others who would also be walking a difficult journey. I want to be real. I don't want to say, "Every things OK or all is fine." Yet, I found myself all of sudden overwhelmed and focusing on what I was going through and feeling. My focus became about me and not what I've seen God do through this difficult journey.
On the very same day, I read in a different devotional (Streams in the Desert) another statement that touched me. I didn't realize until typing this that is was from the exact same person from my Bible study (these two books have nothing in common so that little tidbit just amazed me). It was talking about waiting. "His love and His sovereignty are equal and universal. Therefore He often withholds our enjoyment and awareness of our progress, because He knows best what will actually ripen and further His work in us." Frances Ridley Havergal
I know I will never enjoy waiting. I've just decided instead of getting so frustrated I will have the attitude of waiting to see how God will handle the situation. I believe when we have the attitude of expectancy, we can never be disappointed. I loved what a portion of the following poem says (author not listed). I took the rest and stillness from His own hand, and felt this present illness was what He planned. How often we choose labor, when He says "Rest." Our ways are blind and crooked; His way is best. We are to be His servants; We never choose if this tool or if that one, our hand will use. In working or in waiting may we fulfill not ours at all, but only the Master's will!
Now, on to the emotions. I've purchased more Kleenex, does that say enough?
I've saved the physical for last.
My Oncologist said, "I am one of her difficult patients." Now, she didn't mean it as if I was being difficult. She meant that how my body is responding is difficult. When I try to explain what is happening within my body, her response is, "I don't know. It's just you." Her response is not very reassuring. I even had Kellie come with me on Monday so she could help me come to some solution with what has been happening with my intestines. Kellie told the doctor that I was taking Imodium as if they were M&M's with no results. She prescribed something else with no results so far. It's riping me out. Yesterday, I started feeling very nauseated. I took the pills as I have been, but this time it didn't work. I am thankful that it was the first time I've gotten sick. I'm just not sure how much more my poor stomach can take?
Yesterday, my white blood count was checked. My doctor told me, "No more injections!" The normal blood count is between 4.1 and 10.9. Mine was at 46.0. She said if someone saw those counts without knowing what was going on they would think I had Leukemia. A part of me wonders if the injections are what has effected my stomach. My stomach started hurting two hours after the injection and it was 8 hours after the injection I started having all the problems. The good news is that I'm OK to have my surgery this week.
My surgery is scheduled for this Thursday, April 16th at 8:30 am. After seeing the plastic surgeon this morning the surgery is going to be more involved than first thought. I thought I would be in and out, maybe even have a local. He said he is going to have to do extra work because of the damage of the opening and I should be in there an hour to an hour and a half. Surgeries freak me out! Please pray that my stomach is better by tomorrow. If it gets worse, than they won't be able to perform the surgery. Also, pray that I can just remain calm.
I'm celebrating that I've had about 3 good hours on both Sunday and Monday. I had a tough morning on Sunday, and then another hour in the afternoon that got really bad. Jim's parents came out to see Matt for his birthday, and to have lunch with us. It was nice to tell them, "That if I get bad I'll just go to my room." I had to for a little bit - they were very understanding. I just prayed and asked God to give me mercy so that I could spend a few hours celebrating Matt's birthday. He did. It was a nice afternoon.
Monday, after hearing how high my white blood count was I ran a couple of errands with Kellie. I almost don't know what to do in a store anymore. I looked around like it was all new. When we got home, Kel said she wanted to treat me to a pedicure because I can't have one in a shop. We were sitting there, talking away when all of sudden my stomach started acting up. I told her I needed to run to the bathroom. Unfortunately, I actually did run but I had a foot that was still wet from soaking it in water and when I went to turn the corner...plop! I fell right on to the hard tile floor. Kellie screamed. We both thought, "On top of everything else, now I'm going to have a broken limb." Thankfully, only a scrape and a few bruises. I'm telling you, it's always an adventure with me.
I think it is funny that now my blood count is up I could go out, but because my stomach is so bad I have to stay home. Oh well! I'm going to rejoice in my three good hours and not think about the other twenty-one.
1 comment:
Traci, I think you are truly an amazing and courageous woman. Your honesty is a gift, so often, like you mentioned, we feel like we have to say we are ok, when on the inside we feel miserable. Be it physically, emotionally, or spiritually or ok, lets face it - all of the above! Your blog journal is a blessing, just as you are. I am praying for you with all my heart. I love you my friend.
~Robin~
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