For Better or Worse

First, thank you for all your prayers, your emails, and cards. I am humbled by the love and support I receive. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to blog.

I am still recovering from the third treatment. It seems with each treatment brings a different side effect. This time I did not lose my taste buds completely so I've actually wanted to eat, but my stomach has not wanted food very much. I was so sick Tuesday night through Wednesday morning that Jim didn't feel like he could leave me. Thursday was better, yet the fatigue has been more difficult this time. I'm learning to adjust. It's so hard not having the strength I want and having to miss doing the things I would like (going to Katie's Open House). I just have to keep telling myself it's for a season. This is not forever.

The Neupogen injections did not give me all the pain I experienced with the Neulasta. Yeah!! Jim was an excellent nurse. I would get so nervous for him to give me the shot. The first time I really thought I was going to pass out. He did a great job. I honestly barely felt it. On my last injection, as he was giving it to me, our dog ran up to him and pounced. Jim was holding her with his leg and giving me the shot at the same time. Never a dull moment.

On Tuesday, we met with my Oncologist. She has decided to delay my next chemo treatment until I can have surgery to close up the incision. She says my body cannot take fighting two battles at once. They are working on scheduling the surgery. Once I have the surgery, they will schedule my chemo treatment two weeks later. She also said that she is going to lessen the dose of my treatment by just a little to help me heal. She says she doesn't want to hurt me. Me, being the sarcastic type wanted to say, "Too late!"

Last night, Katelynn and I had one of those "teachable moments" - probably for the both of us. I received one of those teenage attitudes that just didn't sit too well with me. I know they are normal, but I was just too weak to have to deal with it. I was able to share my experience this week with the Oncologist that helped her understand my position as a parent.

I explained to her that I've already told my Oncologist that I want to stop chemo treatments. I'm done! Of course, she said, "No." She also explained that my next treatment will be the hardest. She told me that after number four I will tell her that I cannot handle anymore. She explained she will tell me how I need to and that she'll talk me into having the 5th treatment. After the 5th treatment, I will decide I've had one more than four, so I will want to be done (each treatment gets harder). She said we will argue the fact and she will win (she says she always does). In the end I will have all six treatments. Why, because I need six treatments to kill off the aggressive cancer.

I told Katelynn that even though I want to stop and I believe that would be the best thing for me, I was told I can't. If I stop, I won't have a chance to fight off the cancer. My doctor knows what is best for me and she will make me do what needs to be done. I even know that if the six treatments don't work, she'll suggest something else. Well, we both started to cry. Katie knows I know what is best for her and I love her so much that I have to make the hard decisions for what will be good for her in the long run. I know I was trying to explain my point of view, but in reality I was talking myself into having additional chemo treatments because of my love for Jim and the kids. It was a Kleenex moment. If they find me dehydrated - it's because of all the tears I've shed.

I honestly can't imagine having another treatment. Sunday was so hard. I am so thankful to have Jim and the support he gives me. When you are standing at the altar at your wedding, when you say those words, "For better or worse, in sickness and in health," you really have no idea what those words could mean. I don't think you ever think you'll deal with the worse or the sickness. I honestly don't know how I could have gotten through this without Jim. He has been loving, compassionate, patient, and even tough when he needed to be. We are so fortunate that the company he works for, California Mobile Home Services, as been so supportive. On my bad days, they have allowed him to be with me. I know it is a sacrifice for Jim and the company, but it probably has been the most important gift having him with me (oh, boy, the tears are coming again). There is a song that says, "Love isn't love if it's easy." Well, this hasn't been easy and Jim has taught me what true unconditional love is. We've been together for 22 years and I thought I knew what love was when we first met - I had no idea!

Cancer teaches you many lessons. I wish with everything in me I wasn't learning them, but I know I will never be the same because I did.