One, no matter how much I know I need the surgery tomorrow, I get extremely nervous. I almost feel like the inside of my body is shaking. Normally, I would clean and clean, but with not being able to do much because of my port, I can't. Now I know where they get the phrase "It's a little nerve wracking." (I think that's the right word)
My appointment with Oncologist went well. My count is normal at 8.0 - no reason to delay the surgery. She won't schedule chemo until she sees how I do with my surgery and recovery. She told me today that as soon as she met me she knew I was going to be a problem child. I have to be honest and tell you it kind of hurt my feelings. I'm the one who tries to do everything right. She explained that her younger patients have a harder time and with the tough regiment of chemo that I am having, she didn't think I would do well. Of course, the infection, the incision breaking open, and the virus I got were just extras that were added to the chemo treatments. Lucky me! I left her office sad. It wasn't if I asked or wanted any of this.
Second, on my way home I dropped off a couple of books to a friend from church who recently went through a lumpectomy. She just found out that she will have to go through chemo treatments. My heart hurts because I saw the pain in her eyes. It is such a hard thing to see and it's the second time I've experienced it. I'm not sure others see that in me, but no matter, I can feel and see the pain in others. It is the weirdest sensation. It's been said that you join a powerful sorority when you find out you have breast cancer. It's one you wish you could have never joined. I want to pour my heart and soul into this friend because I want to protect her from the pain. But I realized I can't - you see it in the eyes - it's their own journey. Now, I understand why my Aunt Katie cried the day I went to my first chemo treatment. It's because she knew. She knew that nothing she did or said could prevent me from enduring what was ahead.
I've tried to at least comfort my friend that she can't look at what I've experienced as normal. I have no idea why I have gone through all the strange difficulties - it just makes no sense. I probably scare other women who read this. Who would have known?
A few have asked, "What do I do or say to someone who just learned they have breast cancer?" If there is anything I've learned - there is something you can do. It depends on you. I've watched and experienced that everyone does what they are uniquely gifted in. I think that's why I've tried to thank individuals in the blog, because one, I don't want to forget all the blessings I've received, and second it helps others with ideas on what they can do for others. Trust me, I have learned great ideas to do for others only by receiving the wonderful things people have done for me.
A few I will list just recently...music CD's from Jennifer and Linda; a financial gift from Jim's work so that I can get a wig or whatever I want (probably some more scarves); an ornament that says: You're Gonna Make It and pen from Debbie; an Easter basket from Gwen filled with cupcakes and cookies; another financial gift from my long lost friend Coreen; flowers from Deena and Bob - she went to her friend Betty's house and picked roses from her garden (of course with permission) - they were the most beautiful roses and they smelled so good. I would have never thought to do this. I had to start writing down who to thank because I know I've forgotten to mention others and the wonderful things they have done for me and my family. It just amazes me. I know that no one gives because they expect to be acknowledged and I hope I have not made anyone uncomfortably because I have not mentioned them (or even because I have). If anything, I think the most important things you can do is 1) pray and 2) send a card or note (even if it's an email or text). To know you are being thought of and prayed for is the best encouragement you can receive.
I thought I would also list a few resources that have really helped me:
Losing my hair was the most difficult thing for me (still is). Wigs have so far not been my favorite but I know they are needed for certain times. I primarily wear a scarf. I alternate between ones that I have to tie and another type that are fitted for you. I have to say this has been my favorite find. If you know someone is going to lose their hair or has already - treat them to one of these scarves. They are a little pricey, but the woman who receives one will be so thankful. The site is www.4women.com. The only thing you have to figure out is the correct size to order. I was surprised to find out that my head after measuring was a Medium/Large. So, I guess that would be about the normal size. I refuse to think I have a large head. (smile) If you weren't sure how determine their size I believe they have gift certificates or you can encourage them to go to the site and make a wish list (they'll determine their size) and then you could order for them.
Regular scarves are fun too. I'm not sure where Pat got all of mine, but I know Theressa used a site that has scarves, hats, and other items too. The site is www.headcovers.com. What a lot of people don't think about is that in the beginning after you lose your hair your head is really cold in the evenings. I wear a thin beanie that keeps my head warm. This site sells a lot of those and I don't think you have to worry about sizes. I'm looking forward to when it's warmer and I don't have to wear anything on my head when I sleep. It does feel a little strange. I used to wonder why the girls always wore something on her head in Little House on the Prairie - it was probably to keep her head warm.
Lotions have been great gifts too. If the woman is going through chemo the skin gets really dry. There are so many good ones out there that the resources are endless.
Hallmark cards with music in them are very fun. Maybe other companies sell them too. I just always go to Hallmark. I would hate to work there though as it's almost impossible not to listen to all of them. My kids love the ones that have Hoops and Yo Yo in them. It makes us laugh.
The one book that gave me good information and encouragement was by Deanna Favre - Don't Bet Against Me! You can also go to her foundation at www.deannafavre4hope.com for more information. The book also lists a number of scriptures for encouragement and also resources for someone with breast cancer. Her husband, Brett Favre, also has a page in the book directed to husbands on how to help their wives. Jim was so cute when he was reading it, "Already did that, yep did that too, doing that. " He was so proud of himself. I'm proud of him too. Her foundation also has the Pray for a Cure Bible. On the back cover of the Bible it says, "The book you are holding in your hands is one of the most powerful tools we have in the fight against breast cancer. There is no greater source of encouragement, comfort, and hope than God's Word." I couldn't agree more.
A blanket. I have the ones Leslie, Patti & Kelly made for me that I keep at home. The one Gail made me I keep in my bag that I take to the chemo room. These have been perfect for the cool evenings (or the cool chemo room). If it's in the summer, maybe something light that they can use.
One thing that has really amazed me is that I get cards from individuals I have never met. I can't tell you how much it has ministered to me. Some are from survivors of breast cancer and others are just telling me they are thinking of me. So, you don't even have to know someone very well to send a note. There have been days when it was just what I needed.You can do anything that is you think would help. What to say? Well, that's a hard one. Just speak from your heart - the best things in life come from there.
I thank everyone for all the love they have shown - through whatever means God has gifted them with.
Cancer and losing my hair was probably my greatest fear. My heart and mind are extra sensitive to hearing about someone who has breast cancer or hearing that someone has lost someone to breast cancer. I hear or read something every day. It's really hard, but I have to continue to hold on to hope for myself and the others in my life. I don't want others to see the pain in my eyes - I want them to see the peace.
Psalm 119:76,77 - Now, let Your unfailing love comfort me, just as You promised me, Your servant. Surround me with Your tender mercies so I may live, for Your instructions are my delight.
Please don't forget to pray tomorrow for the surgery (7:30 am). This morning the expander started pushing out of the hole in the incision. Pray for wisdom for the doctor. I have expressed to him that I am prepared for him to remove it all together. He said he wants to try and save it but he won't know until he opens me up tomorrow (he is opening up the whole right side of the mastectomy incision.) I know he will do whatever is the best for me.
Once again, as I am wheeled down that corridor I know only God can be with me. I'm learning more and more that His presence is the most important thing I need.
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