Not My Way

During the last two weeks I've had to come to the realization that things are not going the way I wanted them to. I had my own preconceived ideas on how chemo recovery would be. I thought I would have four to five days of feeling bad and then would be able to get on with life. I thought I would be back to work. I just didn't expect to feel so bad for so long. The last two weeks have been very frustrating.

On top of feeling bad, I got unfavorable news during my appointment with the plastic surgeon. My reconstruction is now on hold. The infection caused damage that is taking a slow time to heal. There is scar tissue that has built up around the expanders and if they tried to fill the expanders it would cause my ribs to push out (that sounds painful). So, they will have to do another surgery which cannot be performed until chemo is completed. I know deep down that this is the best for me. It's just hard knowing I've gone through so much and now have to repeat that process.

With my white blood count low I've had to remain home. Yesterday, after finding out my count had finally went up, I was able to have lunch with my friend Leslie. We picked somewhere that had sitting outside so that at least I still was not around too many people. I know my immune system is compromised and I have to be careful. This was another area that I wasn't prepared for. It is hard to feel so isolated.

I enjoyed my day with Leslie. She thought if I was going to be a biker chick than I needed official biker head coverings, so she picked me up a couple from the motorcycle shop. They are really cool and comfortable. Jim and the kids really liked them. Leslie saw my bald head as I modeled my wigs and scarves for her. She told me I really needed to get some sun. I told her I'm trying but it's going to take awhile. My scalp hasn't seen the sun in over 42 years.

After lunch we spent our time reading over old school newsletters trying to see which ones I can add to the One Thing blog. Leslie is helping me proof my posts, which I am so grateful for. We would read a little, talk a little, talk some more, and then read. It was so nice to have her company.

I am just taking each day as it comes. I never know how I'm going to feel. I've had a lot of pain, nausea, and headaches. Sometimes, I just have one symptom and at other times I have more than one. I keep hoping I'll wake up and will have a great day. Recovering from the chemo treatments has been a lot harder than I thought. I told Jim yesterday, "I'm sick of feeling sick." It's a battle keeping a positive attitude but it's one I know I need to fight through.

I know one day I will be able to look back and see that all of this makes sense, and I will see the purpose in it all.

I love the following verse, because I know that God always has a bigger plan than I could ever imagine.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8,9

In the end, I have this promise.

"For you shall go out with joy, and be let out with peace." Isaiah 55:12

I know joy and peace are coming!