A Normal Mom

It’s healthy to cry.

If you suffer a loss and don’t cry, well, I think most would say you need to see a counselor. I’m not saying because I did cry it doesn’t mean I still don’t need to see a counselor. I’m saying crying was good for me but I think I learned it wasn’t all due to my emotional state. I learned two hours later it also had to do with my physical state.

Kellie had come over to take me to my doctors and help me shop for a few things for Katie’s birthday. Kel had wanted to be at this doctor appointment because I had another long list of questions. The most important being one, my use of Avanstin (the chemo drug pulled from the FDA) and two, my need for a catheter port (my veins are not doing well at all). We learned that I will no longer be able to have Avanstin. My doctor strongly believes this is the best drug for my type of cancer. She has seen great success with other patients. You are allowed four doses and I was able to get two before the FDA pulled in June 30th. She agreed that I could see a surgeon to discuss a port placement in my chest instead of putting one in my right arm (I’ve told you my concerns regarding any complications with my right arm). My doctor doesn’t think I will be able to get a placement in my chest. We decided to let the surgeon decide.

Once we got done talking, my blood was drawn to check my counts. I told her I suspected they might be low because Jim and I had seen a strange difference in my wound. As we waited I shared with Kellie my crying breakdown and all the things I was dealing with in regards to my arm. When my doctor opened the door she said, “You are starting to know your body well. Your platelet count is at 13 and your white count is only 2.5.” I immediately said, “Does that mean I need another transfusion?” She replied, “Yes, plus injections for your other counts.” I was told I needed to go straight to the hospital so they could get my cross match (type of blood). I’ve learned it doesn’t matter if I’ve already had a transfusion. They have to check each and every time.

Kellie and I had planned on going back to the house and taking Katie and her best friend Alyssa to church for Vacation Bible School – not to attend but to be leaders for the first time. I called Deena to see if she could take them, which she could. I’m glad I did because it took forever at the hospital. I left the hospital not knowing what time I would need to be there the following morning.

My doctor said we could proceed with the errands I wanted to do. I only had three stops to make. Two were to get something for Katie and one was to find a blouse for me. Kel was going to help me find a top to wear at Katie’s party so her friends wouldn’t be able to see my arm. We knew it wouldn’t be easy but I was determined. Kel has learned I need help getting dressed. When you can’t lift your left arm and you have a wound to deal with it’s impossible to get a blouse on alone. We were successful in finding one. I’ve decided I need to find someone who sews clothes who also could start by scratch in designing a few tops. If anyone knows of someone – send them my way.

After our errands we headed home. I told Kellie I wasn’t feeling well. As soon as I got home I sat down because I was shaking. I started to cry because I was so disappointed that I couldn’t do a few errands. Jim and Kellie were so compassionate and encouraging. Either way I didn’t move for the rest of the night until it was time for bed.

I was really nervous about the transfusion because of my veins. Di was able to take me. They decided to go through the main vein were the arm bends. It went in but it didn’t work well. I had to keep my arm straight and hang in down over the chair. It was really uncomfortable. They check your vitals every 15 minutes and learned I had a low grade fever. They wanted me to take 2 Tylenol. Di had to put them in my mouth and then pour the water too because I couldn’t use either one of my arms. Deep down that gets to me. I only had to have 2 super packs of platelets this time. Di and I discussed having blood given specifically for me. The nurse said it’s a long process so I need to start it right away because it looks like I will be having more transfusions in the future. I learned I am A-/RH-. I will let you know what I find out. I’ve had several people tell me they would like to donate. Maybe we will set up a specific blood drive.

The other concern with the transfusion was the reaction I had previously. I previously had the fever of 103.8 and severe back pain. I made sure to ask our church to pray for me. I’m happy to say I only woke up around 1:00 am with a severe headache. I got up to take Tylenol like the nurse instructed. Of course I woke Jim up so I made him pray for me too. When I woke up the headache was gone and there were no other symptoms. Matt drove me to the cancer center to get me my second injection (Di had taken me the previous day after my transfusion).

I didn’t rest on Thursday like I should have so my hand really swelled. On Friday I was determined to keep it up and get the swelling down. I also wanted to rest for Katie’s pool party the following day. I was able to visit with Matt in the morning and then Katelynn and Alyssa in the afternoon. We had great conversations and lots of laughs. I told Jim that I had felt so full by their company. It was really good for me.

The following morning I got up early because Katelynn wanted me to wake her up at the exact time she was born. I went in at 8:12 am kissed her and wished her Happy Birthday. She got the sweetest smile on her face. I can’t believe she is 14 years old. When I had got up I realized Jim had already left the house. I wasn’t feeling well which made me nervous because I needed to be “MOM” today. Jim had been sweet enough not only to get Katie donuts for breakfast (a rare treat), but the things I realized at 10:00 pm the previous evening I forgot to pick up – a card and candles. This was important because the candles would be for the donuts and the card was needed in the morning because we typically open presents after breakfast if all four of us are home. A Saturday birthday is a true treat.

I had to eat something different, take my medicine, and sit for awhile. Opening presents allowed me some time to feel better. It worked. I have to say I had little to do in preparing for Katie’s party. Our friends Bob & Deena opened their home and pool for Katie to invite as many friends as she liked. Jim and Matthew did the shopping and then went over to help clean & prep. Honestly my main objective was to look like a normal mom. I didn’t want to be the sick mom.

I don’t think I’ve mentioned my hair is coming out by the handfuls. I’m so glad I had a great head of hair to start with. I’m not sure how long it will last. I’m also thankful that there is some curl so I can do it with one hand. It doesn’t always go well, so that’s something I couldn’t control. Once I got my new top on, did my hair, and put some make-up on. I stood back and said, “I look like a normal mom.” I can’t tell you how much hiding my arm helped. I had decided I wouldn’t wear my arm sleeve on this day…trust me we wouldn’t have been able to find a top to hide it. Once I saw Katie’s face I knew I had given her a special birthday gift. I knew her friends would see me as a normal mom. I even felt comfortable meeting parents.

Her birthday was a great success! We allowed her to enjoy her friends. The adults stayed inside for most of the time. I brought my pillows to keep my arm up (yeah it didn’t swell). I thank Jim, Matt, Bob, Deena, Maria, and Greg for all their help. No family was allowed per Katelynn’s request – she makes me laugh. Who does she think was going to BBQ? We ended the time with Root Beer floats. Neither of my kids are into the traditional birthday desserts. That’s okay with me.

I have rested the last two days. Jim has come down sick. It’s strange for us when he is down. I’m glad he had an extra day to rest – even though I’m sure he was hoping to do some other things. Matt said it was weird with the role reversal. Right now Katie is with Alyssa and her family. They ventured out to the local fireworks show. We were able to share it due to the amazing technology of a camera on a phone. It was so cool.

I have really tried to take every moment and enjoy it. I have tried to think about how I can change the things that are bringing me frustration…or at least the things I might be able to change. I did some research and found there is a lap stand that will hold my cross-stitch. Finding a blouse to hide my arm made me feel really good…now to find more. This evening Matt watched me try and use a fork & knife. I can’t hold the fork very well while trying to cut the food with the knife. I told him not to watch or tease me. He suggested using a pizza cutter. What a great idea! I’m going to try and take each and every situation and try to come up with a solution. It will take time.

I’ve found how little things can bring such joy and encouragement. My Aunt Sherrie’s school – Pat Nixon Elementary school has been sending so many sweet things. The staff has been sending notes and gifts. I got a light up frog, bookmarks, bubbles, and a craft kit to make thumb characters or designs. Trust me my characters have brought a lot of laughs. My flowers need a lot of work. The student’s who visited my aunt in the library made me cards, as well of the 3rd grade class of Mrs. Outwater. These were precious cards and letters. They made me cry and then laugh. I have some new BFF’s and a huge amount of love and prayers that are coming my way.

I read on June 25th the following from My Utmost for His Highest – “…my attitude toward sorrow and difficulty should not be to ask that they be prevented, but to ask that God protect me so that I may remain what He created me to be, in spite of all my fires of sorrow.” These words spoke deeply to me. I’m a process.

The next round of chemo starts in two days, July 6th at 9:30 am. Oh gosh…gotta stop these tears. Please pray if you remember. I continue on because we believe there is some progress. The bumps on my back have gone down which can be felt by touch. If you look at my back it doesn’t look much better, but she said not to just go by what we see. My arm seems to be reacting to the chemo too. I will have a CT Scan after this next round of chemo. This test is easier on me than a PET Scan so I’m happy.

No promise on when the next blog will come. Maybe I can blog before the fog rolls in again.

I hope.

I love you all so much!! Thanks for loving me too.