The Emotional Battle

My second round of chemo is another blur.

Kellie was able to take me on June 16th. Kel had taken me to every chemo appointment in 2009. We tried to make it fun. This time around is just so different. It didn't start good because the nurse couldn't get an IV going. I was very close to leaving. I told Kel I would give the guy one more try and then I was done. Well he got it but it wasn't in a good area so I had trouble using my right arm. This is really hard when you are unable to use your left hand or arm.

Due to the arm they have to run the fluid slowly and I don't get the usual hydration fluids because the pressure in the arm is unbearable. I was in the chemo room hooked up for 6 hours. I was the last one out and there were only 2 staff members remaining. It was a long day.

It ended up being a LONG WEEK of being constantly nauseated. By Tuesday I wanted to scream. Di took me to The Wound Center in the hospital because I had a scheduled appointment. I can't believe that on top of everything else I'm going through I have to deal with this wound under the left arm. It's not getting better (due to chemo) and I'm really worried about it. They took more cultures which is simply torture. I was feeling terrible on top of it.

From there we headed to the cancer center. They checked my counts to see if I could have chemo the following day. I expected them to be down because I was feeling so bad but they were okay for chemo the next day. I decided to switch my chemo treatments from the Riverside office to the Corona office. I went and met the chemo nurse and then headed home.

I immediately laid down because the nausea was getting worse. It was a really bad night and the next morning wasn't good. My step-mom was supposed to take me to my chemo treatment but because I was so sick Jim took me instead. We hate when he has to miss work because he is straight commission. I just trust God will provide the income we need. I hate being so sick and having to think about finances. I just NEEDED my husband.

The chemo nurse in Corona immediately got my IV going and was very compassionate. They always start with giving anti-nausea meds first. I could tell you the instant they started working. A half hour later I told Jim I was hungry and needed food. Trust me - food has not been my friend. He was more than happy to get me something. I even made him stop on the way home because I was still hungry.

The second week of chemo wasn't as bad but it's because the chemo nurse recommended taking the anti-nausea meds around the clock until I felt better. Each day is so different. Some are bad. Some are okay. Some I'll take for being good - even though they are far from what I desire. Getting out of the house for a drive or walk helps.

My week off of chemo has been very emotional. I'm having a hard time with my hand/arm situation. If you remember my main nerve was damaged during one of my Venogram procedures. I've lost the use of the left hand...just typing it makes me cry. On Sunday I was just dreaming about the day I would get to be a grandma. I immediately realized if I had a granddaughter I wouldn't be able to do her hair. I started to really cry. I went into the bedroom to hide so no one would see me...well, I didn't realize Jim was there. Poor guy. He has to deal with so much. He asked why I was crying. I was honest. He said out of all the things I could be crying about it was something that didn't exist. I got to share how I feel I've lost me. Who I was is gone. It's taring me apart emotionally. He was so compassionate.

I continue to keep crying and trying to hide. I'm hurting. There are so many things I loved to do that I physically can't do. To think I won't be able to do them again breaks my heart. Oh the ugly cry has come. The tears just won't stop.

I feel so silly. I have so much to be thankful for. I am so loved. My family brings me an amazing joy just by being with them. I just feel like I've lost so many dreams for me. Heck, I don't know each day if I can get out of my pj's. I have anxiety attacks as soon as I wake up because I don't know how I will do during the day. How do I get better so I can go back to work? I miss being there terribly.

I hate what has happened. I hate cancer.

We had so many things we wanted to do this summer. Just fun things with the kids. I'm fighting for my life and more time with them...yet I'm just so sad at what's gone. This emotional battle is so hard.

I just can't see through these tears anymore. I will blog more later...sorry.