WRINKLES ON MY HAND

okay...first, this will be in all lower case. i started in all upper case but i think it's harder to read...i will explain later.

now, for all the scoop... (this ended up being a very long post)

jim and i made the second trip to riverside community hospital within one week. i was much more nervous this time. i think they called us back to pre-op around 10:00 am and i was told my procedure was scheduled for 11:00 am. i could tell the way they were prepping me they expected to be on time. there were some familiar faces from the previous week. some nurses i don't even remember came up and said "hi."

it started off again with "where are we going to put this iv?" i quickly pointed to the nurse who had successfully put it in the previous week. i had been told that i needed to keep my arm elevated as much as possible during the week so they could get to the vein. i really had done this but i guess the swelling was just too much. they tried the vein they used last week and couldn't get it in. looking for another vein wasn't going to be easy. she searched & searched and then told jim and i to pray. she plunged that needle is hard as she could, and then yelled, "yes!" i thanked her for getting it in and she said, "it was God."

the whole incident made me very nauseous. i saw the radiation tech who had helped during my first procedure and asked him if he would be in there with me again, which he replied, "yes." i also asked about the doctor who would be performing the procedure. he said he was one of the veterans who was very good and had been doing them for years. he also looked at my arm and mentioned it looked like it had swollen more. i showed him how much more i was bruising. when he saw it, he said, "this isn't good. this means your situation is chronic and might not be fixable." he explained that because the subclavian vein was so damaged my body had started making new veins to compensate. i can't remember what he called it. it was veins we were seeing - not bruising.

i really felt like i began to panic. jim began to get very upset (which is very unlike him). he started questioning why they couldn't have fixed it last week and why no one could have figured out earlier what was going on. i started asking if they couldn't fix it what would i do? i felt so bad for the tech. he tried to explain that it is a difficult thing to figure out and in my situation why they would have thought it was something else. he also said it had been very difficult for them to send me away the previous week (that's the red tape insurance/doctor thing that makes no sense). as the tech was wheeling me away to the procedure jim was asking him all kinds of things i don't remember and the tech was trying to help him understand. i was trying to stay calm, because now i was sure i was going to throw up.

once we got into the procedure room i didn't see any familiar faces. they kept saying they were waiting for a "cindy" to get there (not her real name). she was the tech that would be administering the drugs to me. as soon as they put me on the table i started having a panic attack. it's been a very long time since i've experienced one like this. i asked cindy if she could give me something to relax me because i was sure i was going to be sick. she said she couldn't give me anything until the doctor arrived. she told me to start taking deep breaths and to pray. she looked at me and said, "i want you to know that everyone in this room are Christians." I was actually kind of shocked that she said that because it isn't something you normally would be told and I wasn't sure how she would know what that would mean to me. I told her, "thank you for letting me know." She then lowered her head to my ear and prayed for me. It was the sweetest prayer and i immediately felt calmer. I honestly felt I was more in the presence of an angel than a human.

Cindy was the one right at my head explaining everything that would be happening or what was coming next. As soon as the doctor arrived she gave me something to help with the nausea. when the doctor came in he introduced himself and then held my hand. i wouldn't let go until he was done explaining what he was going to do. he said he would first try to enter the vein through my arm but if that didn't work he would have to go through the groin. i told him not to waste his time on the arm and just use the groin. he commented that they appreciated a patient who willing to express what was the better route. he told the team, "prepare the groin area." the tech then asked, "we don't want to be personal, but did you shave the area?" i said, "i don't even know exactly where the groin area is." too funny!! i really thought it was in the inside of your leg.

i really wish i could share the conversation we had at the kitchen table last night regarding this. it was absolutely hysterical. matthew was mortified about the conversation and couldn't believe i didn't know where my groin was. when i pointed to katie where they went in she said, "they went through your ______?" Matthew begged us to stop talking about it and would equally be upset that i would even mention it in the blog. it just was another traci moment that was so funny. wait until my dear friend corky hears about this. she'll have to get the anatomy book out again (inside joke).

so they prepped me and then i asked cindy if she was ever going to give me anything to help me relax. i had been told they would give me meds so i wouldn't remember anything. she said as soon as they were ready to start the procedure. when the doctor came she said, "here we go." i was waiting to feel something like happy juice. i honestly didn't feel much different. i felt absolutely everything and remember every minute from the moment the doctor put the catheter through my groin. i know the second it hit my chest area and especially when he was trying to get through the vein. i asked cindy, "shouldn't i be a little more out?" she said i needed to be awake enough to hold my breath during certain sections. i'm thinking awake enough? i'm completely awake!

well when the doctor got to the vein it was 100% blocked. he tried and tried and was almost going to give up when he said one small plastic wire all of a sudden went through. it was just enough for him to be able to insert the plasty. when he used the balloon i thought i would come off the table. i can't even describe what it was like when he put the stent in. the doctor might have thought a miracle was performed but i was thinking i was being tortured. cindy assured me it was almost done and the procedure was very successful. no one had any idea what was going to happen next.

as soon as the doctor said it was done, and cindy said it was all over i began to feel a terrible pain from my elbow to my hand. i'm really not sure what started happening in the room because i was screaming in pain. all of a sudden it felt like someone was taking a vice grip on my elbow and another one on my hand and twisting and pulling. soon i couldn't feel my hand and the pain was almost unbearable. i know they tried ice, heat, and repositioning the arm. nothing they did relieved the pain and i never felt the pain reliever take effect.

they had no idea what was happening. they began to consult with other doctors. they moved me off the table so they could bring in a portable ultra-sound machine. they thought there could be a possible hemorrhage. cindy and the other tech (i'll call him ken) never left my side. one of them was always holding my hand as the other was consulting on what to do. when they couldn't find anything from the ultra-sound they put me back on the table to perform another venogram to check the veins in detail. i felt like i was being tortured. the venogram showed only that my nerves were spasming (sp?). they decided that i needed to be admitted into the hospital to control the pain and for observation. i ended up being in the procedure room three hours.

whatever happened at the end of the procedure caused me to lose feeling in my thumb, two fingers, and half of my hand. when i finally sat up to try and hold my arm a different way as i waiting to be taken to a room i asked if anyone had informed jim of what was going on. no one had. after 2 1/2 hours jim had started to get concerned and went to the pre-op/outpatient surgery area. the nurses told him i was having a lot of pain and they would be admitting me. shortly the doctor and ken went and met with jim to explain how the procedure went and then what happened afterwards. when they wheeled me out of the procedure room they had jim there waiting for me. this man has been through so much with me.

jim helped get me get into a new gown and into the hospital bed. he made sure i had enough pillows to elevate my arm, and was there to assist the nurse. the nurses came in and inserted a morphine pump that i could press every 10 minutes. after 2 hours i still was not getting any pain relief. jim made the suggestion that they take the iv that was in my left arm out and put a new one in my right arm because with the swelling and lymph node removal i probably wasn't getting it through my system. i wasn't too excited moving it because if i couldn't use my left hand having the iv in my right would make it difficult to do anything, but i agreed with him. the nurse agreed too. i normally would not be allowed to have an iv in the left arm because of the removal of the lymph nodes. the nurse knew this but didn't want to change it because i was in so much pain. within an hour of putting a new iv in the right hand i finally got pain relief. i thank God that jim came to this conclusion.

it occurred to us afterwards that i probably wasn't getting any of the meds during the procedure either. it's the reason why i could feel everything and why they couldn't help with the pain.

the doctor came to see me in the evening and told us he has been doing this procedure for 25 years and has never had anyone experience anything like i did. he actually said it was so weird. jim says, "haven't we heard this before?" he believes it is a nerve issue. it's possible that because my arm was so swollen it was pressing on the nerves and the instant pressure release made the nerves "angry" and it will take time before they calm down. the other possibility is that the nerve was attached to the scar tissue that popped when the balloon opened the vein. he thinks if i don't see improvement within a few days i will need to have the nerves tested. he confirmed that the vein blockage was due to having radiation.

after the doctor left our treasured friends bob & deena came to visit. bob & deena are our friends who opened their home to us and allowed us to live with them when we returned fron New Zealand. as always there was much laughter. deena & I are memorizing scriptures this year with the living proof siestas (it's a fun play on the word sisters), so we shared our 1st verse of the year. i think i did okay even with all my morphine.

i requested yesterday morning if i could be taken off the pain pump and be put on oral pain meds so i could be discharged from the hospital. they said i had to wait a couple of hours once i was off the pain pump before the doctor would determine if if could leave. getting off the morphine pump gave me a terrible headache. i was okay if i laid down but once the doctor discharged me and they said i could go moving made the headache unbearable. i couldn't tell them because i was afraid they wouldn't let me go. i had to keep it together as i took my ride in the wheelchair and while waiting for jim to get the car. once i got in the car i was sure i was going to be sick. i had the headache and also needed pain meds for my arm that was now in spasms. poor jim! he drove as quick as he could.

by the time we got home i felt like i couldn't talk. it took 2 hours for the headache to go away and then i was able to eat some toast so i could take something for my arm. after another 2 hours i was feeling more like myself. it was just so much better being home than in the hospital.

jim had worship band practice last night and i didn't want him to miss it. katie decided not to go to youth and stay home with me. sandy stopped by with flowers and visited for awhile. she will be moving to Peru in a few months so i'm enjoying anytime i can get with her.

jim stayed home with me today. i'm having a hard time doing somethings with only one hand (only my pinkie & ring finger are working). jim thought it was so funny watching me try and tie the drawstring on my sweats. my lameness easily entertains him.

i can't even tell you how long it's taken me to type this. i've taken many breaks. now you understand why i had to only do this in lowercase. the few caps i did were enough.

i will see my doctor on monday. i'm really hoping i will have all of my feeling back by then or at least show some improvement. i don't even want to think i have another thing to take care of. i still need to have the ultra-sound to check the implant. i'm planning on going back to work on monday even if i only have one useful hand.

so far i believe the stent has been successful. my swelling is going down more and more each day. the pre-op nurse who put my iv's in for both procedures came to my hospital room yesterday to see how i was doing. she couldn't believe the difference already. it's gone down more today. i can't wait for my therapist to see it. she has been calling me everyday to check on my progress.

i feel so bad that i continue to need and ask for prayer. i have a hard time understanding why there is something else. please pray for the pain in my hand and the restoration of feeling & movement. i just believe each day it will get better.

i am still thanking God and celebrating the wrinkles i'm getting in my hand as the swelling goes down!