S.T.A.T.

I have a new definition for S.T.A.T - Someday They'll Allow Traci to have her tests and get in to see the doctor.

Things just didn't go as quickly as we thought they would. Maybe that's okay.

I had my CT Scan yesterday and will see the surgeon on Wednesday, Dec. 8th. I have also scheduled an appointment to see my plastic surgeon on Tuesday, Dec. 7th. I want to get his opinion on the redness and swelling I have under my arm and make sure it doesn't have anything to do with the implant. Remember, if something is going to happen out of the ordinary, you can count on it happening to me.

I tried all weekend to prepare myself that I will be having another surgery. Well, at least we think that's the plan. I just couldn't get past the idea that everything was happening all over again, or at least it feels like it. We will know more next week. It's been hard emotionally, and physically my arm and hand seem to get worse each day.

Today, I've decided that I'm not going to rush into another surgery. Even if that means waiting a few months. I guess I have to see what the doctors say next week, but I'm not convinced going through another surgery is the best thing for me right now. It might be time for several opinions. I know my mind set is that I've already met my insurance $6,000 out of pocket expenses so if I'm going to need surgery I need to do it before January 1st. Plus, if this spot wasn't there 3 months ago, what happens if I wait? I'm guessing that's a question no one will be able to answer for me. It's a little frustrating. The waiting and not knowing is always the hard part.

I had a funny dream about it last night. I think we need some laughter on this blog right about now. So, in this dream I was going through tests with "natural doctors." One of the doctors finishes looking at all the results, and says, "I know what it is," and whispers to the other doctor and then leaves the room. I ask the doctor, "Well, what is it?" She says, "You don't want to know." I say, "Please, tell me I need to know." She says, "Okay here it is...you have too much blubber." I woke up laughing. Obviously, I have some insecurity issues too.

I have to laugh right now, because my home feels so sad. We are trying, we really are, but deep down we are just so done with all of it. Katelynn shared with me last night that since moving back from New Zealand our lives have been so depressing. Matt quickly exclaimed, "This is just life and it's reality." I tried to remind Katelynn of all the good things that have happened.

I continue to thank God for all the blessings He has given us. There are so many families going through much harder circumstances. I'm thankful that even though my hand and arm are throbbing right now - I'm still able to type. I'm blessed to be able to rest as I get to hear Matthew play the guitar. To have the hours to share deep spiritual conversations with my daughter. I'm so thankful that I have a husband who works so hard, and is trying to keep everything intact for our family. I'm grateful for the love and support of my family and friends.

I continue to cling on to a God who is right there in the midst of this situation, and will help me through. I know His timing is perfect and I don't have to stress about not having tests immediately, or doctors putting me first on their list. God is always Sovereign Through All Things.

Okay...that was so cool. I typed that before realizing I had a new definition for S.T.A.T. It's one definition I won't be forgetting.