It's All For A Purpose

You would think after all this time (15 months) that hearing the word "cancer" still wouldn't make my stomach turn. Yet, there are days, when all of sudden, there is a rush of sadness that comes over me. I can't believe where my life has taken me. Saturday was one of those days. I just hurt all over, and my left arm and hand were bothering me from the lymph edema. I was struggling to do anything.

I was angry at the fact of losing my breasts (OK, so I said it), but I was really angry that I still don't feel good. I was angry that no one told me about everything that happens to you due to chemo and radiation treatment. I was really upset about my breathing issues. My angry just turned into feeling so sad.

It was time for a really good cry. I cried. I prayed. I cried some more. I prayed some more. I dried my eyes, opened up my Bible to Psalm 34 and got so blessed. I mean it was one of those times when it was so evident God could hear my cries. I felt like He was crying right beside me. At this moment I can't even tell you what Psalm 34 says. All I remember is that the words jumped off the page and ministered to me at that exact moment.

I then turned to my devotional and read the most profound statement. I actually wanted to laugh because I couldn't believe how it related to my life right then. Here it is:

"Go through that depressing dimness without yielding to depression and without depressing others." Amy Carmichael

How do you do that, you ask? "All the resources of heaven are at thy command to enable thee to do this." Amy Carmichael

So...when you have one of those days like I did remember the quote from Amy Carmichael. I think it's worth writing down.

We are all going to face those times of depressing dimness. That's a truth that is avoidable. Its the resources we use to get us through these times that will make the difference. I also encourage you to reach out to others. I know that I might not share how I REALLY FEEL because I don't want to depress anyone. I don't want my sadness to affect another person, but I don't want to take the chance that I'm not being real. It's a fine line.

This week began with follow-up doctor visits.

My first appointment was with my oncologist. I hadn't been to the cancer center for six weeks...that's the longest I've gone. I really couldn't wait to see my doctor. I tell everyone I love seeing them, but I'm so glad that I'm not seeing them all the time. I had to pick up a packet that I will be taking with me to UCLA (it's at least an inch thick). I sat Monday night and read through all the notes my doctor had made through my treatments, tests results, pathology reports. It was a little overwhelming being reminded of all the grueling details. She did give me a big hug before I left, and reminded me that no matter what I feel right now, I'm "cancer free."

Today was my appointment was with my plastic surgeon. Jim was able to go with me (him and my doctor like to talk motorcycles) and we had a great discussion with my doctor. His father is also going through chemo treatments. It is giving my doctor a new insight with his patients that are going through reconstruction and facing chemo or radiation. His father's life has been served as a doctor and missionary. Dr. M asked us why we thought God was allowing this to happen? I shared a few of my thoughts that were on my heart, but I had to be honest and tell him I didn't know because God's ways and thoughts are not like my own. I had just read that we are the ones standing at the ocean's shore. We only see the edge of the water, and sand. God's sees the whole vast of the ocean and everything underneath. It was a really neat conversation. His father is in I.C.U. right now because his white count has dropped dangerously low, and they are not sure if they can continue with treatments. Jim and I are already praying for him - his name is Ken.

My surgeon shared that he realizes that things could have really gone wrong with me. He asked me if I knew how another patient was doing that was going through chemo and radiation with me, that had some same issues as I had. He was afraid that things had turned bad, because they had not been able to reach her or her family. I called the cancer center to ask...I probably shouldn't have. I asked that they would call my doctor and inform him of her passing. She is now the second person that was going through treatment with me that has passed away. It's hard. It really hit me, especially after reading my oncologists notes, that I was a lot worse than I realized. I felt fortunate to be alive - even if it's harder to get a deep breath. My surgeon said we need to treasure each and every day.

It's evident that God still has a purpose and a plan.

My plastic surgeon said I'm reading to have the expander removed. I will be hearing soon when my surgery will be. Possibly by the end of the month.

I am still waiting to hear from UCLA. My oncologist has asked me to give them a call. She's pushing me to get moving on this part of the journey.

I'm trying to see if there's a detour.

Smile!