Rivers in the Desert

I don't know why, but I'm constantly thinking, "What was I doing a year ago today?" I'm not trying to live in the past, or look backward so much that I can't see what God is doing right this moment. I think it's a way of encouraging myself. Even as I'm still having some bad days, I can say to myself, "Look at where you have come from."

It was a year ago that I was experiencing my first chemo fog after I had my first chemo treatment on Feb. 12, 2009. It's still hard to think about it. I felt so good going into treatment. I never thought a year later I would be experiencing health issues. I just continue to believe God has a plan.

Thursday was a day of mixed emotions. I'll start with the good ones first.

My long time friend Sandy Poblete and I have been talking about starting a Bible study and just meeting for accountability. Well, I made the suggestion of participating in an online book club. I've never participated in a book club, which seems strange because I love reading. Sandy has been in book clubs before, but never an online one. I'm sure neither of us have participated in one with as many women - so far over 6400. It's through the Living Proof Ministries blog (LPM) and we are reading Beth Moore's new book, "So Long Insecurity." Thursday night was our first meeting and I'm sure I'll be sharing a lot of what I'm learning. I really wasn't sure what I would get out of the book because I didn't think I struggled with insecurity...well, two chapters into the book and I realize it is one of my struggles. So much to learn! I'm really looking forward to the coming weeks sharing this time with Sandy.

All day, I've been hearing this verse in my head, as if God was telling me I know what you were experiencing a year ago this weekend, but I have something new for you as your journey continues.

Isaiah 43:19 - "Behold, I will do a new thing, now it shall spring forth; Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

As I continue on this journey I know I'm supposed to write. I feel as if I'm fulfilling my purpose in life. Jim has helped me set up a writing desk in our room, and I have my computer. Now, I just need to get to writing. It's when I write I feel the most secure. It's in sharing it though that I feel the most insecure. I guess I'm reading the right book, at the right time.

Now, on Thursday, I also felt as if someone punched me in the stomach.

I received a call at work from Jim telling me that his father (also Jim) suffered a heart attack. He was is stable condition and was in a hospital in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. His parents had taken a cruise to see the Panama Canal. Dad's heart attack happened on their 8th day of the trip. Jim's mom didn't call us until after they were off the ship and transported to the hospital. Yesterday, they performed an angiogram. They placed one stent in an artery and also found a blood clot (thank you God for allowing them to find this, and thus preventing a stroke). They realize he needs at least two more stents but were concerned that he had been under for too long. We found out today that he has been approved to have the additional stents back home and we are waiting to hear when he'll be released to travel home. Please keep him in your prayers. We thank those who have already been praying.

I was telling Jim and Katie that there are times I wish I would go to heaven first. I can't handle the thought of losing any of our parents, and hate to think of going through that pain. I know it's the most selfish thing I could say, but I'm being honest. Jim's dad makes me smile and laugh so much (now you know where my Jim gets it). He has been my cheerleader through my battle with my cancer. It pains him to know that I'm already facing another battle. We have shared precious tears together. It's too hard seeing him now having to face a health issue. Pray for Jim's mom too (Judy). Between her parents, me, her own hip surgery, and now her beloved husband (they just celebrated anniversary number 48), she has been pulled thin. She's calling checking on me, as she is sitting in the hospital, telling me she's available to go to UCLA. She's been such a trooper. I'm a blessed daughter-in-love.

So, I'm looking forward to these rivers in the desert. It thrills me to know there is more than just one river on its way. I absolutely love the sound of a rushing river. I had a wonderful experience several years ago while sitting next to a river. As God gave me this scripture today it brought to mind that special time. I can hear that river rushing - even in the midst of this desert.

It's time for some new things...I'm so ready!!