A Sad Day

Today, just didn’t go as planned. As I write this I’m holding back the tears (trust me many have flowed through the day), and I feel like there is something ready to burst out of my gut. Maybe a little too much info, but today I just wasn’t sure I could continue on this journey. There is always something going wrong and I can’t understand why.

We showed up to City of Hope and were directed to the area where they draw blood from the port. This area is closer to the lab and can get the results quicker to the Phase Unit. We were instructed to go find some where to sit and we would be paged. About an hour later we were paged back to the Phase Unit. The nurse came in and told me that my treatment had been postponed because my platelets were too low. That was not the news I expected.

The nurse was also instructed to look at my port. As soon as she looked at it, she said she needed to contact my doctor but that the port did not look good. Kellie looked at it and was also surprised at how it looked. It had broken open again and had been draining. I got very upset. The nurse called my doctor, which informed the nurse that she was going to send me to the surgeon for her recommendation.

Kel and I dragged all of our stuff (we were prepared for a 10 hour day) back out and on towards the next building. This went on for 5 hours. Going here, going there, this way, and that. It was a drag...literally.

As soon as the surgeon saw the port she said it had to come out and scheduled surgery. That quick, and this Friday. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! I really can’t. What will be used from here on out is uncertain. I’m running out of options. A picc line will be placed to continue treatment but it will only be temporary. I had avoided this with everything in me, and am VERY upset I have to go this route.

After meeting with the surgeon, I left for more blood work (cross match - in case they need to do platelet transfusion on Friday before surgery, and cultures of the port). We stopped to turn in a new prescription for an antibiotic - which I’m not sure my tummy can take). From there went to radiology for a chest x-ray, and then back over to pick up prescription.

By the time we were done we were really dragging...probably from lack of food. We decided to get closer to home to beat traffic, and then pick something up to eat on the way home.

Kel took me by her hospital that she works at and then we took the back roads to her house. It helped to take our mind off of everything. As soon as we got to her house we both crashed. She took the couch and I took the recliner to get my arm up. I was so wiped out I asked Jim if I could just stay for the night as planned so I could just rest. He said to do what ever I needed.

That’s it all in a nutshell. Yes, I’m afraid. I can't believe I have to have surgery again. I'm afraid that the cancer is just spreading as I type. I'm afraid to have to deal with a picc line. I’m afraid I won’t be able to have a port again.

I said it...I'm afraid. I'm ashamed to live in fear. I know better. I have a loving and caring God who will be with me through it all.

Lord, I'm just so tired of it all. Please help me through it all.