No More Pecking Away

It's only one week later in letting you know how the MRI went. But then who's counting? Probably you are! You are so faithful to me, but the week had several challenges and typing was one of them. Typing will no longer be my excuse.

On Friday I received a gift from my cousin Stephanie and her husband Scott. They have purchased a program that allows me to talk and it types down almost word for word what I say. I just completed sending them an e-mail and this is my first attempt at using it to blog. I've expressed my gratefulness to my cousin for this very thoughtful gift. I continue to be humbled by the support and love of my family and friends. You are teaching me how to love, and even most importantly how to be loved.

This program is so cool! I'm just learning how to use it but I'm amazed at how well it is working. I'm just glad that Jim and the kids are all in other rooms and can't hear me. They would think I had finally lost it all together.

So back to the MRI…

Everything went well. It took about 15 min. longer than they expected because they had to continue adjusting my arm for comfort, so the procedure lasted about an hour. Afterwards Kellie and I went over to the hospital to request all of my procedure reports and films for me to have on file. I strongly recommend anyone who is going through medical procedures that you take the time to get these materials. We then quickly got something to eat so I could take the much-needed pain meds.

On Thursday I knew I had an appointment with my oncologist. I'm not sure why but I woke up Thursday very emotional. I wasn't sure if it was from lack of sleep, too much pain, or just the fact that I knew Jim wouldn’t be able to go to the doctor appointment with me. When I got to my therapy appointment I was just as emotional. My physical therapist has had to become also my emotional therapist. I thank God for her and all she has done for me. After she was done I told her I needed to fix my makeup when I then realized I had none left to begin with. Right when I got to work I got a phone call from Jim's mom asking if I would like company to my doctor’s appointment, of course I said," Yes." I didn't find out till later that Jim had called her and asked if she would go with me.

When I go see my doctor I always try and determine the news she will give me by the look on her face. I still haven't been able to figure her out. Obviously, I knew something wasn’t right when the nurse took my blood pressure and it was 144/104. I've never had my blood pressure that high before. I've come to find out that it could be the result from your body being in too much pain. I'm having such trouble dealing with all of this pain. My blood pressure indicated to my doctor that she needed to help me manage my pain better.

She had received the report from my MRI test. She said the good news was that it showed no mass which would mean no indication of cancer. The bad news was that it did show my body is continually building fluid between the tissue and muscle. She was very honest to say she had no idea how to fix this. She wished it was as simple as being able to insert drains. But as my plastic surgeon has explained before it would be like putting a drain in a sponge. You wouldn't be able to drain much liquid.

My oncologist decided she would begin making phone calls to see which direction I should go. She was going to start with a specialist who my therapist recommended. He is a cardiologist at Stanford University who specializes in the Lymph system. She also decided to start me on a low dose of Prednisone to see if it would help with the inflammation and gave me a prescription for pain patches that will begin to help the ease of the pain. They take about 5 days to kick in...two more days!!

The news that was the hardest for me to accept was that I was going to need to go on disability instead of being able to work. I had a good idea this was coming as I had shared with my boss that I was having more difficulty performing my work as I was in so much pain. Typing and doing paperwork with one hand wasn't getting any easier either.

If I was emotional in the morning you should've seen me by the afternoon. My doctor continued to encourage me not to lose hope. She wasn't giving up on me, my therapist wasn't giving up on me, and my primary doctor was giving up on me. Between the three of them they would continue to do everything they could to help me and hopefully find someone who knows how to fix or remove the fluid that is building in my body. I know that God has placed very special people in the medical field to help me along this journey.

On Friday I didn't tell anyone it was my last day at work unless they are already knew because I was determined to keep my makeup on. I succeeded. It's so hard walking away from something you enjoy doing and not knowing when you get to come back. The company continues to be very supportive.

I'm learning with my arm that it's very difficult to do ANYTHING then to keep it compressed and elevated. This weekend we were focusing on getting last-minute clothing items and gifts for the wedding we would attend on Sunday. I knew my arm was swelling, I could feel the pressure, and was having more difficulty managing the pain. All I know what to do is what I usually do which doesn't help me with my arm (if that makes any sense). I know in the future I will learn the best way of allowing me the time to celebrate without having to continue to think about this arm.

The wedding was beautiful. It was so much fun to see all of our friends dressed up and watch two people who are so in love commit their lives to each other. Chloe and David had put some special and personal touches to the wedding that made it very touching, and also brought much laughter. My favorite part though was seeing Matt and Katie all dressed up. Katie wore her first high heels and Matt had a new look he was sporting with his vest. I love the family pictures we took (I made sure my left arm and hand were hidden) but as I look at them I don't recognize who I have become. It's something I just have to get over. Note: I haven't posted any new picture...there's a reason.

As much as I tried to hide my arm during evening instead of keeping it elevated I knew I was going to pay dearly for not having it elevated or compressed for the whole day. I can tell you that today was one of the worst days I've had controlling the pain. My poor therapist had such a difficult time because I couldn't stop squirming. I couldn’t get comfortable enough while she was performing the therapy. I told her up front I wouldn’t be able to work on my shoulder. She was kind enough not to make me. Even with partial therapy I wasn't sure how I was going to drive home. As soon as I got home I propped up all my pillows and put my arm up and prayed fervently for relief. It took several hours.

Right now it's midnight. Three days ago I was lucky if I could keep my head up till 8pm because I was constantly so tired. Well steroids can change all of that. Last night I wasn't sure if I was awake due to the steroids or if the pain continued to wake me up. I keep my iTouch with me during the night so I can see what time it is. I decided if I was awake I might as well read the devotional My Utmost for His Highest. It always amazes me how you can read something on a specific day and you are so positive it has been written specifically for you. It touched my heart and gave me such comfort I was able to easily fall asleep. In the morning I picked up my book and read the entry again to see if it was speaking to me. I was so encouraged.

The devotional talked about the difference between having faith in my own ideas or having faith in God especially when we don't know what's ahead but we know he's called us to step out in obedience. Being off work is very scary to me for a lot of reasons but most importantly because our income will be cut drastically. This morning I specifically wrote a prayer of faith to God and asked that whatever income I would lose he would add to Jim and even increase it. Today, Jim had an amazing day with three wonderful sales. It helped me to see once again that God is so faithful. Every time this journey gets harder I’ve learned it's not about me but about God Himself. It's hard for me that I don't know what the days are going to be like ahead, but I take comfort in the Providence He has already set forth.

I got a call today that the doctor at Stanford University is willing to see me but he can only see me within the next 10 days. I have learned I can't fly due to the swelling in my arm so it will require a road trip. For those of you who really, really don't know me well I don't go on road trips very good unless there's a camper or motor home at use. That probably won't be the case and at the moment it doesn't look like Jim will be able to go with me (he can’t miss any more work). It tares at my heart in so many ways. Jim's parents have graciously offered to take me and so I have promised I will drug myself up so I can be a good traveler.

Tomorrow I hope I will be able to make all the phone calls needed to set up an appointment and figure out how insurance will work. I'm also in the process of talking to my plastic surgeon regarding having the implants removed in case we are dealing with a rejection issue. There is much on my plate and so all I can do is give God the contents. I know I can continue to trust him. Each time I do I am never disappointed.


It was so much easier using this program than pecking slowly away. Some of you are going to wish I never got it because now I can go back to my long blogs again. Yahoo!! I can also blame any grammatical errors on the program. That's even better.