It Is What It Is

Well, as promised, I wanted to let you know how things are going. If I tell you my arm is elevated and I'm using Matt's Netbook again does that tell you anything?

It's not good.

The last few days have been very hard. I'm not sure how God is going to use all these tears. I do know and tell myself each day will get better.

I'm going to cut down to the main fact.

My body is scaring so bad from the radiation that it is scaring over not just one vein but multiple veins. The vein that they stented has already collapsed on one of the ends. They performed another angioplasty and opened it up but they said they doubted it would last. There was another smaller vein in the arm that they also opened up.

I was in so much pain even before they started the procedure that I had trouble focusing on what the doctor was trying to explain to me. I think he was overly concerned about the broken skin and the unknown fluid that is building in my chest. He kept asking all kinds of questions that just confused me as I laid on that table. I did beg him not to let me go. I was so afraid to go home and continue to deal with the pain and the fluid. I want answers and resolutions so desperately. He said they couldn't keep me and so I was sent home.

On Tuesday, my cousin Kellie took me to see my Oncologist and the Vascular Surgeon. As I was seeing my oncologist, and as she was looking at my arm she said, "You need to see a Vascular Surgeon." I told her, "Okay, I will go see one today at Noon." She was relieved. I'm back to seeing her every other week because she doesn't like what is happening with my arm. The both of us were hoping we would get some answers from the surgeon. She is not going to like what he had to say.

Two days later looking back at it, it was as if I was being told I had cancer all over again. He was so gloomy (in a very nice kind of way) telling me, "There is nothing we can do for you. We can't do a bypass with veins. The scarring is something that can't be fixed." Really? "There is nothing you can do?" I just couldn't believe it and still don't. He said the only thing I can do is keep it elevated and use compression garments.

I've already being using compression sleeves. How can I keep it elevated and do normal things like work? I guess people with this type of situation don't. I just can't accept it. The doctor did give us a name of a Chief Vascular Surgeon in Irvine. He said as young as I am I should exasperate all my options. Which I will - I'm just not sure which way to go yet.

When we left I asked Kellie if she could drive me to a large Medical Supply store. I was sure they would have something I could strap on my body that would allow my arm to remain elevated while I did other things. Nothing. Really? I made her walk the store with me so we could come up with something. We left empty handed. I was so frustrated.

My previous Venogram brought much relief so I was hoping for the same on Monday. I have to say there has been no change. My arm now only seems to be getting worse.

I will start therapy again on Tuesday. Next week we will primarily work on my shoulder as it has become a "frozen shoulder." I cannot get my hand to touch the top of my head and my left hand can't touch my right shoulder. You are thinking impossible. I wish it were so. My therapist called me this morning. We are becoming friends. She texted me to call her because she had a new plan - "GUTAB" she typed. When I called her she said it stood for GIVE US THE ARM BACK. So encouraging! It also meant she was giving me stretching exercises to do until then. I am always compliant.

I don't understand why all this continues to happen. I really don't. Yet, I know who does and I continue to BELIEVE. Even if I feel as if we are in one of the darkest paths we have traveled. I say "we" because it is greatly effecting Jim, Matt, and Katelynn too.

There is so much happening I just can't share in a blog.

I want to pray...GUOLB - GIVE US OUR LIVES BACK! It's been so long. There has been so much. This arm thing is so bad that I really need a miracle.

I just won't stop believing. I'm not ccepting "It is what it is." I'm back at the beginning...TRUST!