Catching Up

First, let me say I've missed you.

Second, let me say how much I miss me. The one I remember before cancer.

My last few weeks have been up and down. I think its the first time I have stayed away from the blog because I just didn't feel like being "real".

I was encouraged when I had a conversation with a mom whose daughter battled with cancer. She shared that it wasn't until after she finally finished with treatments and was on her recovery path that she had to deal with the emotional aspects of having cancer. I think I've shared before that it's when everyone thinks you are well and past the cancer that they forget about you, but in reality it's the time that is the hardest.

I can say that the only emotional thing I struggle with is the fact I get so sad that I'm not the same person I was. I don't feel I look the same, feel the same, or have the same strength I once had. I probably notice the differences a lot more at work because I can't do the things I did before. It's so frustrating.

I'll try and catch you up with what has been going on.

April 31st I returned to work. By Friday I was wiped out! I stayed in bed for most of the weekend, only going to church. On May 3rd I started getting some really bad pain on my left side. It hurt to breath but it wasn't the same kind of pain I had before. I called my Pulmonologist's office to see if I could get an appointment, I was put on hold, and then his nurse called and said my doctor wanted me to call him on his cell phone (he really is a wonderful doctor). He was very concerned and had me go that day to get an x-ray and then I was scheduled to see him on the 5th.

The great news was that he felt there was improvement in my lungs by viewing the x-rays. Areas that he couldn't see before were now visible. He believed the pain I was experiencing was due to post surgery healing. I told him I felt like when I took a breath my lungs were catching on something. I asked if it was okay to see a Chiropractor? He wasn't sure it would help but told me I was healed enough that I could go. We also discussed in great detail the fatigue I was having. I felt I wasn't this tired when I was going through radiation. He explained that inflammation in your body can cause fatigue. He said I could be experiencing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

Why not, I've experienced everything else?

Well, I made an appointment with my Chiropractor and took him my x-rays. He believed that my ribs were probably manipulated during the lung biopsy. Within one visit and realignment I was feeling much better. The pain subsided greatly on my left side. I'm a strong advocate of Chiropractors. It has taken five visits but my ribs are finally getting back to their proper position.

Unfortunately, my fatigue has only gotten worse. It just hasn't made sense. I've finally completed all treatments and surgeries. My lungs are healing. I just can't keep my eyes open. It was getting so bad that I was trying to sleep at stop lights - not a good thing.

I saw my Oncologist on Tuesday. I love the fact that she listens - I mean really listens. She was thrilled to listen to my lungs and hear them so clear, but concerned that I had fallen asleep while waiting for her. She thinks I'm way too hard on myself and believes I'm pushing myself too hard compared to everything I've been through. She would not release me to full-time work. She believed that my medications could be causing my grogginess. She explained that as the body heals it needs less to do its work. Made sense to me.

She wanted me to have a PET scan but I asked her if I could wait until August. She said she would determine that when I see her in July. Here I thought this would be my last appointment for awhile, but I'm still on the every other month appointment. So, in July she will decide when to schedule my next PET scan. She really believes I need to have them every 4 months. I just wanted my body to heal from everything a little longer before going through another test.

I have to say that changing my medications has helped the grogginess a lot, but now I have the whole body - all over pain again. It is absolutely miserable. I told Jim I will give it a week and see if changing the medication continues to help with the fatigue. If so, then I will have to learn how to balance the pain again. I see the Rheumatologist June 9th so maybe he will help me in this area.

My one highlight was having the opportunity last Tuesday to attend a Relay for Life meeting. Sandy is still in Peru so I said I would go for her. It was the night to select our spot at the Relay. I asked Karen, who is also on our team, if she would go with me. I'm so very thankful she came. I felt so lost. We were able to be one of the first teams that evening to pick our spot because Sandy's online letter was recognized that evening, and we have done very well in our online fundraising. Sandy returns on Monday from Peru and we are going to meet on Tuesday night to discuss the details of the event. I will be posting next week to update everyone. Mark your calendar for June 26th and 27th.

I have to say that I think I could do a blog just on my daily hair trials. I am SO THANKFUL that I have my own hair. I really, really am. It's just growing it out and dealing with it that is so frustrating. I feel so sorry for my hair stylist. I want her to do the impossible. She said it's just that time of growing out phase that she recommends me wearing a hat. I came home Thursday night and just cried. I don't know if it was about my hair, or just everything.

It seems I take three steps forward, and two steps back. Either way I do know I'm slowly getting one step ahead. I know it's not how I planned. I know I can't compare myself to others. I know I can't live in fear that every pain or symptom means my cancer has returned. I know I can't fear of having tests. I know I need to give myself time.

It's just hard.

Thank you for allowing me to share, and giving me the courage to be real.