A Steeper Climb

I was surprised to find that after I completed radiation my journey with breast cancer would get more difficult than I expected. I honestly wasn't sure I wanted to share what I've been experiencing, yet the only reason I continue with this blog is so that at least one woman would feel encouraged and possibly not feel so alone in her struggles.

It's easier than you think to put on a smile and tell everyone all is well. I really hate being fake, but I'm afraid no one really wants to know how you are truly feeling. It's been a long journey and some believe it should be over. I was reminded this week that unless someone has personally walked this journey they have no way of understanding what it involves. I guess I thought my journey was close to being over too. So, I could tell you it is "well with my soul," but within my body and emotionally it has been far from well.

I'm struggling to understand the physical pain I'm experiencing and what to do about it. I've found that the experts in handling cancer know how to kill off the cancer but have no idea what to with the complications chemo causes to your body. I've yet to find anyone who can tell me why I'm in so much pain and what to do with it. I thought I had found an Internal Medicine doctor who might be able to help but she is not seeing any patients outside of the hospital. I'm on the search for a doctor that can continue with me and help me with the next part of the journey - healing. I want a doctor that is balanced with Western and Eastern medication. I strongly believe in natural healing and want that a part used in my future restoration.

I'm so frustrated that I'm not back to work that it depresses me in ways that I have to battle against every day. I thought I would be back to work next week (against what my doctor wanted and has instructed) but now I realize it's impossible because I have so many doctor appointments, therapies, procedures and tests. I just want to scream. The next two weeks are crazy.

I've had to return to therapy for my left arm. Last weekend it began to swell again and was causing a lot of pain. My Pneumonia I believe is much better but I continue having labored breathing. I can't walk very far without being out of breath. I had another chest x-ray on Thursday and see the Pulmonary doctor on Wednesday. My Muga scan for my heart is scheduled for Thursday morning (Nov. 12th). It's a nuclear test that I'm not thrilled about having. It checks the Cardiac Wall Motion (I really don't know what that means) to see if there was any damage done to the heart due to the chemo treatments.

I've fought against thinking negatively but I've lost the battle this last week. I feel as if I've lost so much a part of me and get frustrated that it doesn't seem to be coming back. This journey has been so much longer than I expected. It's been very hard making plans because I never know how I will be feeling. I'm trying to immerse myself in God's Word and in worship as I find it's the only thing that can lift my spirits. Right now...being real doesn't make me feel very good.

I have tried with everything in me to do some "normal" things for the sake of the kids. Katelynn had a band performance last Friday that allowed her to play during Santiago's football half time show. I couldn't miss it. I bundled myself up and made it through. Jim's birthday was yesterday and I wanted it to be special for him. We have been holding on to gift certificates for annual passes to Disneyland (we got them last year for Christmas but wanted to wait until I felt better). We knew that if we went on his birthday he would get $72 that could be used to upgrade his pass. I knew that with my breathing problems I wouldn't be able to walk from the parking lot to the entrance let alone walk within the park. We decided if I was to go then I needed to use a wheelchair (this was very humbling) but I decided the time with my family would be worth it.

It seemed strange going to Disneyland for only a few hours but we knew the cold would not be good for me. We got our passes (I was not happy having to take a photo), ate something, and then the three of them were able to ride a couple of rides (I couldn't because of my expander). Most would be shocked to know this was Katie's only 2nd visit to Disneyland. We are hoping that we will make many trips this year and make some wonderful memories. The kids and Jim so deserve it after the year they have experienced.

Right now it's 4:30 pm and I'm still in my PJ's. Is it proper grammar to say I'm tired of being tired? I have one day a week that I get to enjoy spending time with Jim and I feel so bad when I physically have no energy to do anything. Today at least I had another excuse to stay home and rest - Katelynn woke up with a 101.8 fever. We've had her locked up in her room all day. We are very concerned about me catching the flu. All we can do is hope I don't and deal with it if I do. We're just not sure how my body would handle it.

So, my week wasn't as I expected. I'm really trying to battle through all the aspects of cancer. This week was by far the hardest emotionally. I'm praying next week will be much better even though I have a lot to deal with medically. It's a battle of the mind that I'm determined to win.

I read the following this morning and agree with it with all of my heart. "God is my Source, my Strength, my very Supply. He alone can bring about lasting healing." Karen O'Connor

I now know that I have more healing to do than I realized.