365 Days Ago

It was exactly a year ago today that I received the news that I have Breast Cancer. I wasn't surprised because I believe I knew the moment I had my biopsy two weeks prior (that gut feeling), BUT there is nothing that can prepare you for hearing those words, "You have cancer."

There was no way my doctor could have prepared me or my family for the year ahead. There was no way we could have known at that moment how advanced my cancer was or how far it had spread. If I knew what the year would bring, how would have I reacted? In the beginning I felt so strong and full of hope. The last twelve months have been extremely difficult. I feel I have been stretched and tested emotionally, physically, and even spiritually. How I wish that after 365 days this journey would be complete. I can't believe it's not, BUT I do believe my strength is coming back and I understand hope in a whole new way.

I shared in one of my first blogs that as I was going through the first tests a year ago that Proverbs 3:5-6 kept coming to mind. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths." Every time I felt I hit a dip in the road I would remember no matter how hard the path seemed - He was in control. I continue to hear, "Trust Me."

This morning as I was reading my Bible I looked up this chapter again and read further on. I was encouraged by verses 7 and 8. Verse 8 jumped out to me and seems like a promise for this journey. "It will be health to your flesh, and strength to your bones." I will continue to trust and lean on Him.

On Monday I will have my first PET scan since my chemo and radiation treatments were completed. Once again, I have to be real and tell you I'm a nervous. Last week was the first time my cancer markers showed anything - let alone were high. Why? Did the treatments work? I think, "They feel like they killed off parts of my body, surely it killed the cancer." It's a battle mentally. I tell myself I'm just not going to think anything negatively, but here and there I find myself slipping into the "what ifs."

During these difficult thoughts I know what I'm supposed to do. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. I looked this verse in The Message - "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." I'm looking forward to that peace and wholeness to come over my life.

I think of the women today who are getting the same news I did a year ago. I want to cry along with them. I think I could tell them..."Your journey won't be as hard as mine has." Most importantly I would tell them to trust in God. There's a song that has the words, "Make peace with yourself, and with God, because in the end that's all you have left." In the darkest hours, and during the toughest pain it's really true. No one on this earth can understand exactly what you are going through (each woman's journey is different) and so you feel isolated. I've been blessed to have wonderful support, but each of them has found how helpless they feel. I know walking beside someone with cancer is very difficult.

I remember after my surgeon gave me the news about my cancer, and before I left the room, she said, "Now, if you are going to leave here and don't think you have things to be thankful for I'm going to give you a list." I said, "Oh, no, I'm still very thankful." And even after all I've been through this year I still feel very blessed and I have much to be thankful for. I'll have to go now, sit down with my journal, and make my list.

Happy Thanksgiving, from my family to yours. Take time and make your list too!