It's Back!

Oh, how I wish I didn't have to write this blog entry.

I found out today that my cancer is back. The breast cancer has penetrated the skin. Which really makes me believe that it was never really gone. I don't have skin cancer. I have breast cancer that is on the skin. We have a lot to still learn regarding all of this.

It was such a HARD day! As soon as I learned from my doctor that the skin biopsy showed there was cancer I called Jim who was on his way to an appointment in Huntington Beach. He immediately turned around and headed home. Of course I told him he didn't have to...what was I thinking to say something like that? I needed him so desperately. I also called my cousin Kellie to tell her and she just said, "I'm on my way" and hung up. Both were at least 45 minutes away.

I began phone calls to family and friends. I'm so sorry if I couldn't call everyone and you might be reading this right now. Remember, this was the reason for the blog so I could communicate with all of you without having to spend hours and hours on the phone.

My dear friend Jean showed up in case I was alone. She walked in as I was on the phone to my new doctor at Stanford. He had received the results and called me personally. He was once again going over his recommended plan. I was so grateful to have Jim, Kellie, and Jean with me during those first few hours. I shared that I felt as if I had received a call that someone had died. I was able to cry and be real regarding my feelings. I felt fear then as I do now. The hours haven't taken that away.

I am so grateful for my family. I could tell that even if they couldn't be with me they were feeling my pain. As my sister said so eloquently, "Cancer sucks!" It does indeed.

My oncologist arranged to see me to go over the results. I also kept my therapy appointment. My arm doesn't do well if I miss a day, and my spirit doesn't do well either because of my support from my therapist. This time we included a good cry together. I have come to love her very much.

The doctor's office was packed with myself, Jim, Kellie, and Jim's parent (I know my Dad and Step mom would have been there if they could have). Hey, the more the merrier. My oncologist began discussing her plan, but I had to explain to her I had already spoke to my doctor at Stanford and I had a different plan.

Last Thursday he had called to explain that by reviewing my films and CD's from all of my scans down here it was evident that I had additional blockages in my veins, and they wanted to replace my stent. He also wanted me to have another PET Scan at Stanford to get a better reading. I was already making plans to go to Stanford before learning of the recurring cancer. Now, he wants me to meet with the oncology department at Stanford as well. My oncologist supported the plan completely.

With the recurrence and having the cancer penetrate the skin it will now put me at Stage IV Breast Cancer. The CT Scan also showed additional new findings. Having Stage IV will qualify me for any clinical studies or trials. I can only receive this by going to a facility like Stanford. My doctor here can only offer me "standard medicine." If it is found there are any new trials that I could use I would have to go to a facility near me like City of Hope for treatment.

It's really like we know something, but then we know nothing. Knowing the awful, but not knowing what can be done with it.

Right now I wait until I hear from Stanford to schedule my appointments, tests, and procedures. I'm glad I'm sitting down because I feel as if my knees would literally shake. I'm just so nervous. All of it is so overwhelming. I don't want to be away from Jim and the kids.

This morning before I received the news of the cancer could you believe I was on my knees crying and telling God I couldn't take anymore. I'm handling so many things in my life (that I don't share on a blog) and felt I was going to crumble from the pressure. Within 20 minutes later I learned I had cancer. I've gone numb.

I'm just going to take each moment as I can, and let God be God.