No Matter What

November is quickly passing by. As expected it has been a flurry of medical appointments.

On November 5th Jim commented that he should just put a red cross on the side of his vehicle. It was our 22nd wedding anniversary but felt far from it. We started our day at the orthopedic doctor with Katelynn again. Her pain had intensified past her shoulder to her back and neck. Her doctor agreed with the therapist that she needed to have an MRI, but also believed that the swelling and pain she was now experiencing could be caused by her ribs being out of place. We were pleasantly surprised that he recommended a chiropractor. Before I left for my PET scan, I called my chiropractor and made an appointment for Katie to see him that evening at 6:15 pm.

I’m so glad Jim was off on the 5th because I was in no shape to drive that morning, or after my scan. I really had thought I would feel better by 6:15 in the evening, but both Katie and Jim encouraged me to stay home. Our chiropractor confirmed that Katie’s ribs were very much out of line, with one rib actually twisting. He believed he could help, but she was going to be uncomfortable for a few days. She was sore after her first appointment, yet we could tell she was already experiencing relief. Katie has had three adjustments and is 90% pain free. It has been a huge transformation. She still has the shoulder issue and will still have the MRI. Both doctors believe she possibly has a tare within the rotator cuff. She is not looking forward to the test because she will have to receive an injection (she is terrified of needles). We are still awaiting insurance approval for the test.

My PET scan went as well as could be expected. It took about 24 hours after the test before I felt like I got all of nuclear junk out of my system. It also freaks me out a little when the tech wears thick rubber gloves and goggles while giving me the injection. He is protecting himself from the solution he is injecting me with. It’s a little disturbing. I will see my oncologist on November 23rd to receive the results.

My appointment with my primary doctor only confirmed that I wish I could just see my oncologist for any symptoms I am experiencing. I think I completely overwhelm her. She did confirm that my heart rate was elevated, even though the EKG came back normal. She referred me to a cardiologist here in Corona. I saw her on the 4th, and by the 8th my arm was continuing to swell and my stomach was still having spasms. I called the cancer center and they scheduled an appointment on the 9th to see my oncologist’s assistant. When my oncologist saw me walk into one of the patients rooms she told the nurse she wanted to personally see me. I was surprised yet so relieved when she walked into the room. She is the only one who really understands everything I’ve gone through.

She believes I have an infection still in my arm. She wanted me to start on an antibiotic and stop using my lymphedema glove and sleeve for a few days to give it a break (unfortunately it’s causing the swelling to increase). She really didn’t want to put me on another antibiotic but felt she had no other choice. She is also scheduling an ultra-sound to make sure there is no blood clot. The pain and swelling are very frustrating. I am having a lot of trouble sleeping because I can’t get comfortable. I really struggle with the whole “vain” issue too and a lot of my clothes won’t fit on my left arm. I’m embarrassed if I wear something sleeveless and it’s even worse when I wear the sleeve and glove.

My oncologist believes me stomach issues are probably caused by the medication that was prescribed by the Rheumatologist for my osteopenia (mild thinning of the bone mass, but not as severe as osteoporosis). This medication is supposed to be very hard on your stomach. She believes my stomach cannot tolerate it. Since I stopped taking it I haven’t had one episode of pain in a week so I’m guessing she is right. I am going to research natural alternatives.

Before I left the cancer center, I reminded my oncologist that she would want to run my blood work up before seeing her on the 23rd. I also reminded her that she needed to check my vitamin D levels. We had a good laugh when she asked me if there was anything else she needed to do. Her nurse said she wouldn’t be surprised if I was prescribing my meds soon. Hey, I’ve learned you have to be your advocate with your health, and the doctors can’t remember everything. At least when I see her on the 23rd I know she will have everything she needs in regards to my check-up. As I was leaving she told me we are going to get good news, and I replied, “Absolutely!”

I saw a new Cardiologist on the 10th. My oncologist wasn’t too pleased with me that I wasn’t seeing the same Cardiologist I saw in Riverside last November. I explained that he is harder to get an appointment with and I wanted another opinion. I felt this new Cardiologist was very personal and seemed very thorough. He doesn’t believe I have any heart issues. He believes my heart rate is due to the stress my body has undergone in the last year. He is having me have an Echocardiogram on Monday just to make sure the heart still looks good. He was very impressed with my medical binder I have made to collect all of my test and treatment notes, but said it made him very sad to know I’ve experienced all of it within the last two years. He showed me a great amount of compassion.

I thank you for all the love and compassion so many of you continue to give me. It’s been a very long journey. I just checked to see that date of my first blog – December 10, 2008. When I wrote that first entry I believed I would only have 1 year of medical issues. Looking back now, even if I wouldn’t have had as many complications as I did, no one in the medical field was really honest about what my future would hold.

Today was one of those bad days when the fatigue just took over. I couldn’t accomplish or do very much but rest. I tried watching Toy Story 3 with Katie but slept through much of it. How could anyone sleep through the adventures of Woody and Buzz? I apologized to Katelynn because I feel all she sees me do anymore is go to work, do a few things around the house, and then lay around. I don’t know what happened to the woman I used to be? I keep praying she’ll come back.

I’m not giving up, but I do get weary of it all.

My friend Sandy, encouraged me to listen to the song “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts. It has become the anthem of my life lately. Here are the words to the song:

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to, I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you. Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands, and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why. No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You, I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you, no matter what, no matter what. When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence, there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it. I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing, whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength. Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s ok if You don’t, I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own.

I don’t keep asking why. I know He has a plan and no matter what I’m going to trust Him. I just wish and have prayed that my kids wouldn’t have to see me suffer. I want them to have their high energy mom back. I want Jim to have his wife back. Heck, I want to have myself back (and really want my left hand and arm to be healed).

2010 was far from the year I expected. My doctors say that my lung issues have prolonged my healing. I’ve heard it said that the 2nd year is much harder than the 1st year because you are still going through so many difficulties but you don’t receive the same support as you do when you’re going through therapy. It’s very true. I’m praying November 23rd will bring good news and 2011 will be a better year.

I promise I’ll blog on the 23rd. Ironically, it was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving in 2008 that I learned I had cancer. I’m hoping and praying that on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving in 2010 I’ll learn I’m cancer free!!


You can listen to the song by clicking on the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3MSqufJP4&feature=related

You can also watch another of her songs that I found when looking for No Matter What. It might be my next anthem. It's a beautiful song. I'm going to go add it to my iTouch now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbDuM-f36Hs&feature=related