Gone Quiet

I know, I know, it's been a very long time.

The month of September was frustrating, annoying, and challenging. When I wasn't bandaged up I was busy catching up on things that needed to get done. Blogging just never made it on my "to do" list. I had to even be careful about what clothing I wore because one day after my therapy and my arm was all wrapped up I realized that I wouldn't be able to get my dress off over the wrapping. I wasn't about to cut my dress off so I just had to wait as long as I could and then unwrap my arm. It really was funny. My therapist made sure from there on out that I had checked my outfit to make sure it would go over the wraps. I could give a stand up comedian a lot of material to use. I'm just hoping Matt doesn't decide to become one.

My therapy ended on September 30th, but I am still required to spend almost 2 hours a day hooked up to a "Sequential Circulator" machine. This is a compression device that works at keeping the fluid from building up in my arm. There hasn't been much progress, and some days it just really hurts. Today, I'm skipping the machine and blogging instead.

I've spent the last couple of weeks reflecting on the last two years (10/4/08 I found my lump). I've learned that I instantly went into warrior mode. I had a battle to fight and that's all I was focused on. I never thought about what happens once the battle is completed. I guess I'm learning there is a lot of mess to clean up afterwards. I'm dealing with the emotional ramifications as if I'm a soldier returning from war. I'm taking it one day at a time.

I have to say, I don't understand why people don't believe in God? I'm sure some of you who read this might not, and wonder why I do? Why do I say this? It's because He has been so present with me during this battle. In ways I can't express. I marvel at who He is, and what I've learned. In saying this it doesn't mean my battle was any easier? Nope. Harder? I have no idea and wouldn't want to. All I know is it was hard, and He gave me the strength when I didn't think I could take one more thing. I could honestly say right now is the hardest part of what I've faced. It's probably why I've gone quiet. I want to be completely transparent, but I can't. I just can't.

The month of September wasn't all bad though. I decided I had to start living again. I needed accountability, and I needed to pour my heart into something that mattered. I have a new women's Bible study that I'm attending that's intimate enough where I can be transparent. It allowed my heart to open up so that it can begin to heal. I have a long way to go.

I then adopted 6 beautiful girls. I can't tell you how crazy I am about these girls. My heart was being tugged to start a Bible study or group for College or Young Adult girls. Weeks after I began to pray about it our church announced they were starting a Young Adult group. They asked if anyone was interested and they could come to a meeting after our evening church service. Now, I know there were talking about those who ranged in ages 18 to 28, but I just had to go and check it out. I still laugh at the looks on some of their faces as I could tell they were wondering why I was there. Only one brave man was willing to ask it. I shared that I was willing to be involved and waited to hear what they thought. I was so excited and pleased when they asked me to lead one of the small groups for the girls.

It's been a month now and I love it! Like I said I have these 6 young women who love God with all their hearts and who have allowed me into their lives. They inspire me. They encourage me. They are changing me. I look forward to spending time with them each week after our Sunday evening church service. I told Jim I know I am doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm so grateful that God is giving me the time and ability to pour myself out into their lives. They really are the sweetest things. I've gone from praying specifically for 3 individuals first thing in the morning to now 9 individuals. It's really good for me.

Last week we discussed if we could be doing anything right now for God, what would it be? Great conversation and I was amazed at their answers. I can't tell you what they shared because we have a "no share" rule within our group, but I can share mine. I really feel compelled to write a book. I just don't know how or when. I'm just so afraid I won't do it and then regret it. Something you can pray for me about. I at least know I have 6 who would want to read it (the girls were very encouraging), and of course my Aunt Sher would want a copy right away (what can I say she's a Librarian and she loves me). I guess I just need to start getting my ideas on paper and see what comes from it.

I can't believe that the beginning of November is just around the corner and it's that time to have the dreaded PET scan again. I have to call next week to get it scheduled and then see my doctor at the end of November (right before Thanksgiving) to see if my "suspicious lump node" is still there. I didn't think it was bothering me, or I was giving it much thought, but this morning when I said something to Jim about having it done I just started to cry. I just want it all to go away. I know it's not going to so I just have to face it straight on. I promise to let you know before I'm having my test. Trust me, I need all the pray I can get from my dreaded boat ride.

As always, as I type away I am thinking of others who are fighting their own battles, and would ask for your prayers for them. I'm not listing everyone I know of, just those who need some extra right now.

Jim's grandparents - Jim's grandfather at the age of 93 is undergoing chemo for bladder cancer. He is one of the strongest men I know. Jim's grandmother is in the hospital right now because her circulation is so poor that her feet are turning purple. She is 94 and her heart is just slowing down. Please pray that she wouldn't suffer long. They are recommending hospice. I can't imagine one living without the other. They have been married 73 years. Wow!!

Chris Morgethaler - He is battling skin cancer and is also undergoing chemo. I work with his brother Scott. Scott and his wife Karen have been so supportive during my battle. Pray that Chris will be able to receive a new drug that is in the approval process with the FDA. Pray that the chemo would shrink and even stop the growth of tumors that are throughout his body.

Raleen Whitt - Raleen is our neighbor down the street. She has a relapse of leukemia. Raleen's family and I were "tent" neighbors at the Relay for Life event in June. At the time Raleen was in remission. It has been heart breaking to know she is once again fighting this battle. It has been a long and hard road for such a young girl (junior in college). I remember when I was having bad days during my chemo I would think, "If Raleen can do this - so can I." You can read her parents journal and get personal updates and know how to pray by reading their blog at: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/raeleenwhitt/journal/1

I could go on and on...

Once again "Life is Hard!"

Please continue to pray for my arm and hand. I keep praying the swelling would go down and the lymph system would get better. I have so much pain on my left side now. I don't know what it's caused from? I would have thought it would be getting better instead of getting worse. Maybe it's just how it is.

Pray for my fatigue. I'm just so wiped out. I have to be purposeful in my time. I just don't want Jim and the kids to get the least of me.

Pray for our family. We are facing difficult challenges.

Thank you for loving us through the last two years. You have no idea how much it has meant.

OH! And for you women out there...if Breast Cancer Awareness Month hasn't been enough to remind you to do your monthly self checks and get your mammogram...let this be your push to go do it. It can save your life!!