No Bones About It

I just have to share a quote from my Bible study today. I really needed to hear this.

"We don't know what will show up on us until God turns on the heat. His spirit reveals feelings and long-held beliefs. The essence of wholeness is God winning us wholly with His affection, His truth, and His healing Word. Truly God is our soul-ologist and pry He will, but never without loving intent." Beth Moore - Stepping Up, page 135

Why is this so important to me today? One, I feel like the heat is getting turned up again, two, His Word is like healing medicine to me like nothing I can express, and third (most importantly), I've found an "ologist" that I can embrace...my soul-ologist. I love that description.

Today, feels like February of 2009 all over again. I didn't get a chance to blog and tell you what my day was going to hold. First, an appointment with my Oncologist and second, a Bone Scan.

I don't dread my appointments with my Oncologist - I actually look forward to them. I know I have someone who understands EVERYTHING I've been through. She lets me be frank and tell her I feel like crap (sorry for the crude word - but it just fits), and helps me make sense of what other doctors are thinking and telling me. I really thank God for her, and she'll tell you she knows God brought me to her. She doesn't hold back. She tells me if she doesn't understand what is happening. I just know she is there for me and with me.

Today, she was honest and said she knows something is going on in my body (the cancer markers being up, the fatigue, the pain, the swelling) BUT has no idea why. All she can do is run more tests (blood work again today) and see what comes up. It was actually the Rheumatologist who ordered the Bone Scan, and now she has ordered the dreaded PET Scan (I've nicknamed it the bad 3 hour boat ride). The PET Scan will be either in late July or early August. It always takes awhile for insurance to approve and my doctor will have to justify to them why it needs to be done.

Fortunately, my Bone Scan today will provide that justification. Yes, something showed up on my scan today, BUT I'm strongly confident that it has to do with my lung biopsy surgery. The area that lit up was near my lungs. I believe the reason why the tissue responded to the radiation injection was because that area is not healed yet. I learned today that if you ever have to go through a Bone Scan, they won't take "extra" pictures unless they see something. All the extra pictures took longer than the Bone Scan did. The technician explained that once they give you the injection they have 6 hours until the radiation is not reactive. It has already been 2 1/2 hours so she was getting all the pictures when they were good and ready to be taken.

Now, I know I'm not a doctor, so I can't be sure it's nothing, but I've had a lot of pain on my left side and I didn't have that until I had my surgery. My Rheumatogolist even commented to me that I was doing very well with that type of surgery. He said that he has had patients that have had to remain on a morphine pump due to the pain. I thank God that hasn't been one of my complications. I just believe that my body is very slow at healing right now. It's been through 7 surgeries, chemo, and radiation. It's tired! Trust me I know.

I'm going to be honest and tell you it really bothers me that my markers are so high. It's that shadow that's constantly over me. I haven't gotten a break yet. I can't imagine what could be ahead if they find something. I try very hard not to think about it, but who is fooling who, I think about it. I don't even have the opportunity to have the six month appointments with the Oncologist yet. I'm still on the every other month schedule. I know that's not good. I don't want to say it's bad either. I can trust there is a reason. I just want to move away from this cancer thing. Who wouldn't?

I can tell you though that through my frustration, and disappointment I am more confident that God is IN this and WITH ME during it. My trust and hope grows stronger every day IN HIM. Please hear and understand that doesn't mean I know what's ahead and even if I really have a chance to survive. I just know that whatever I face He is going to be with me. I know He hears my cries, and He knows my desires, yet the longer I read His Word I realize that my time here on earth isn't about what I want - it's about what He wants. I get the blessed assurance of knowing Him while I dwell on this earth. I'm not perfect - far from it, but He is and His ways are.

I pray that my strength would be renewed. I'm so tired of feeling tired. I want to do some living while I get to live. I feel like I waste so much time each day doing nothing that really counts. I want my life to be about something that counts, that matters, that will leave a legacy. I have to keep looking forward. The only time I can look back now is to say, "That's where I was last year, look at how much better I'm doing now!"

So, in closing, and in all my wayward thoughts, I'll share another quote that I loved this week.

"I do not seek, O Lord, to penetrate thy depths. I by no means think my intellect equal to them: but I long to understand in some degree thy truth, which my heart believes and loves. For I do not seek to understand that I may believe, but I believe, that I may understand." Anselm, 11th century English monk. Stepping Up - page 134

No bones about it I just have to keep believing God!! He is MY soul-ologist!! Love it!!