Flip-Flopped

Now, I'm not talking about the shoes I wear 80% of the year (gotta love California) - I'm talking about what happened in my life today.

For the last 20 months my husband has been right by my side (God is on my other...had to throw that in because it's what I'm learning in my Bible study right now), and has seen me through thick and thick as I've battled this breast cancer, and the complications it has brought me. Today, Jim had to have a minor procedure...which he is milking terribly this evening...and I was the one to drive him to the doctors, sit with him as he filled out all that paperwork, and be there as he was poked and cut (he had some moles removed that we felt needed to be checked for some time.)

I have to tell you that I didn't like being on this side. At that moment I realized I would do it all over again (the treatments) as long as it is me. I'm not as strong as Jim. I don't know how he has done it. Once again, I thank all the caregivers out there. Thank you for everything you do. My little bit today was minimal compared to what my husband has gone through. I'll never forget him sleeping on that little couch at UCLA trying to get some rest. It brings tears to my eyes. I wish these young kids could really understand what love is all about, and the commitment "I DO" really means. I'm just beginning to understand it all myself.

I mentioned that I'm doing a Bible study right now...well, I'm actually doing 2. I had already purchased one on the book of Ruth by Kelly Minter that the LPM Blog is doing for the summer (check it out at http://blog.lproof.org/), and then decided to sign up for the summer Bible study at our church because I feel like I've been out of the loop for so long and wanted to reconnect. Well, after starting the one at church, I peeked at the Ruth study and was hooked. I'm loving both so much I just don't want to stop. I don't recommend doing two at a time like this but I'm enjoying it. Hm mm....what was my point? Oh, I remember!

There was a quote in the Ruth study that has me really thinking. "It is our wisdom to make the best of that which is, for it is seldom that changing our place is mending it." Matthew Henry I've got to be honest and tell you I have days that I'm still struggling that breast cancer was my lot in life. I'm not overjoyed with the fact that "cancer" is part of my testimony. I've struggled a lot with this lately. Yet, I've been reminded of two things this week....one, that we have a choice on how we will handle what is given to us, and two, God is on my side (yours too). I've heard it said several times...you can get bitter, or you can get better. I have to choose that I will get better, because I have a loving compassionate God that is on my side.

If I can help one woman in her battle with this awful thing called "breast cancer," then I know that facing it to be better, instead of bitter, will help her, and help me. Galatians 6:9 in different translations reminds me, if we don't give up, don't lose heart, don't quit, or get tired. You know what word jumps out to me...IF. It's so hard, but there is a choice to make. For some reason it's been so much harder lately. Then last night, through a brief encounter, I hear of a woman who has just learned she has Stage I Breast Cancer, from a woman who is sharing her story of losing her mother to breast cancer. It tore at my heart. Both stories. I know I have to make the choice to keep fighting - for the one I can help and for the family I have.

I don't know how this all just poured out of my finger tips. I meant to just write a brief blog and share about my day with Jim. Obviously, God had a different plan.

I'm starting to dread doctor appointments, and tests. It's only a reminder that I am still dealing with this disease that has made me very ill. I'm waiting to have another Bone Scan, and see a Pain Management doctor. This week I have a Bone Density test to see what the chemo has done. I just want to say, "Enough!" I know it is so little to what so many of you are going through. I just want a vacation...a sabatical...rest...fun...laughter. Little things.

I know that it is no accident that I am doing both these Bible studies. I need a double dose of what God has to pour out. I pray that I'm an open vessel so that I'm able to pour it right back out to someone else who needs it.

I pray that no matter what circumstance you are facing today, that you don't give up, don't lose heart, don't quit, or get tired. The easy route is normally not the best route. When it gets tough know that God is on your side. You just have to reach out and take His hand.

I'm laughing at the title right now...I feel like God did a flip-flop on my heart right now.

To Him...I am so thankful!!