Two Weeks Into Break

I can say that this is the first time I haven't blogged because for the most part my days have been good. A few days have been really good. Today, is my first day I feel really bad...I guess more like the flu. I also to continue struggling with my hand swelling. If I feel good and start do things then my hand swells and it takes almost a day for it to go down. Keeping it elevated is the only thing that works.

My appointment with the oncologist was a little difficult. She seemed to agree I should have a break, but also made it very clear that I have Stage 4 cancer. Her comment was something like this..."My job is to give you little breaks so you can feel like you are living a little and also have time to make memories with your family." Hmmm...Since then I've had several emotional moments due to her statement. I think she wanted to make sure I understood I have Stage 4 cancer. Maybe I haven't come to grips with that information before. I know it's because I believe I'm going to beat this cancer either through the healing hands of God or the wisdom He has given others. She believes it is a chronic disease that I will fight for the rest of my life. I'm having trouble accepting her belief.

I will also admit that I have had to surrender myself to the will of God in my life. His ways are always the best even if we don't understand them. I know there could be a bigger plan in all of this, so I've just given all of it over to Him. It hasn't yet brought me complete peace, I'm taking that a little at a time. I've prayed that He would fill me with His joy, and somehow stop these tears from flowing. Since Thanksgiving I've cried a bucket full. It's like a valve has been opened and it won't shut off. My family can't seem to understand why...it's not like I can either. I just keep praying.

I've enjoyed a few days with family. Kel and I have actually got some shopping in, enjoyed dinner with Jim's parents (after they took the kids out for a day of golf at Eagle Glen), Thanksgiving was filled with spending time with my Dad's side of the family. Never enough time to visit and talk with everyone (I miss our vacations together). Jim spent time with his brother on Friday riding motorcycles out in the desert (just not my thing). I was even able to go to church again last night and spend time with my church family. Family and friends are what I've learned to treasure most.

I forgot to mention at my doctor's appointment I discussed with her getting a referral to City of Hope. Originally it was due to my wound but because of all of the transfusions I've had and the reactions I believe it's time to see what their opinion will be. I'm not real happy to go to another facility but its just time. We know they have received the referral and have requested my medical files from the Cancer Center. I've been told they will contact me.

Also I guess I should mention that I had an appointment with my primary doctor last week. It originally was made just to update her on everything, but a few days before my appointment I started getting hives on my right chest (opposite from the cancer) and was itching on my back a lot. During the examination my doctor found a few spots on my back that were new and she was concerned that it could be new areas of the cancer. She wanted me to immediately go over to the Cancer Center and have them take a look at it. I didn't think my oncologist would be there but I knew they would probably have one of the doctor's look at it.

The main doctor was available and he wasn't concerned but he wanted me to make an appointment with my oncologist this week. He didn't want me to wait until my scheduled appointment in December. I see her tomorrow. I would like to say I'm not concerned but with me I just never can tell what's going on. I've asked Jim to be there this time (my appt. is late so he can still work). I'm also going to ask her if we can check my counts. Somehow I scratched my leg yesterday and was surprised by the amount of blood from a little spot. I'm concerned my platelet count hasn't gone up as it should by now and it's the reason it wasn't clotting quickly.

It's November 28th and my Christmas decorations are sitting in front of me. I can't remember a year when my house hasn't been decorated completely the day after Thanksgiving. My family just is not in the mood to decorate, and it is very difficult for me with having only having the use of one hand - this has become another reality I've had to accept. You should have seen me make Sweet Potatoes for Thanksgiving. No, I didn't use cans because I wanted to have fresh potatoes. Well, I guess I forgot that I can't use my left hand as before. I had to adapt. I cried as I cut them (feeling sorry for myself again). Next year will just have to be canned yams. I have to say the new recipe I found was super delicious. It was so sweet that it should have been a dessert instead of a side dish.

So, I'm going to stop blogging and attempt some decorating. I love when it's all out. I love the things we have collected and the memories they bring. I want this Christmas to be special. I know even if the family doesn't want to decorate they love it when it's out too. Traditions are important and the memories they bring.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, and hoping you will enjoy your family traditions this holiday season.

I promise to let you know what my oncologist says, and as soon as I hear from City of Hope I will let you know when I have an appointment.

Now...if I could just get this body to move.