It's Okay To Rest

I have to keep telling myself, "It's okay to rest." I'm so tired of resting, or feel bad that my body requires so much rest that I get frustrated with myself. Even more frustrated with the situation. I haven't decided if my extra week off was good for me, or made it harder. I got a taste of what life might feel like again. I felt like there was a time to mourn again. Frustrating because I'm really tired of the tears.

I almost went a week without having to see my doctor...hey, I tried. I had my scheduled visit from my home health nurse on Thursday afternoon. She checked my wound, vitals, and looked at the Port. She asked me what I was told about my stitches. I replied, "They didn't supply any instructions. I was only to follow-up at my doctor's office, which I had done already." She looked at them closely and did not believe they would dissolve. She recommended putting a call into the radiology department at the hospital. I was told that they needed to come out - the sooner the better and I couldn't have them removed there. I then called my Oncologist office. They said they could take them out and my doctor had availability that afternoon. Karen had walked in for a visit as I was on the phone so I asked her if she wanted to go with me. She said yes, and within minutes we were on our way.

I was really surprised my doctor was the one who would actually remove the stitches. She hates wounds so I wasn't sure how she would handle this situation. It seemed as if she really liked it, except for the fact the stitches didn't want to come out because they had already began to heal into the skin. Thank goodness for my home nurse. I am now stitch free! My Port is healing very well. On our way home I treated Karen to a Lime aide (my favorite drink right now...unless the nausea is too bad). I told Karen she should write a book. Instead of Mondays with Maury, she could call it Thursdays with Traci. I treasure the times together more and more. I'm so blessed for the new friendships God has given me along this journey (even more grateful for the ones who have continued to hang in there with me).

Last Thursday would be my last day of feeling well for 5 days. How can something feel like forever but then feel like one long day? It was once again very different. This time each day just got worse and worse. Friday and Saturday weren't terrible...I was just dragging. Sunday and Monday brought a headache and nausea. Every time I got up to walk around I felt like I would throw up. That's when I told myself, It's okay to rest." I began to feel better last night (after another new prescription from my doctor - she hates when I feel bad). My back continues to show improvement. My doctor told me I won't get another rest from chemo for awhile...I'm shooting for December. I was hoping to be done with chemo by November and back to work by January. I guess my CT Scan or PET Scan results in October will direct my doctor's path.

I was prepared that my blood work yesterday would be good enough to proceed with chemo today and it was. My appointment was at 11:30 am. Di and I stopped by Subway to pick-up lunch. It's was nice to have lunch because they didn't start my meds until an hour later. I was given one additional bag of meds to help with my stomach. Di and I were given extra time to chat before they gave me my "happy juice." I thought it wouldn't hit me hard and I wouldn't sleep. Nope. Di said, "Your eyelids are starting to get heavy." She could see the meds were working before I knew. I always feel bad that I sleep through most of it and others just have to wait. It was sweet this time. Another patient told Di that her face makes her feel good. Di has deep compassion for the patients and she is so kind to them. I thought it was pretty special that just her presence makes another person feel better in their soul. Obviously God is using her in ways she didn't have any idea about. It's hard being in that room. I sensed a lot of pain in there today. I'm glad the four hours seemed to go by quickly.

Di and I stopped by a store that sells headbands (I'm doing everything I can to hide my hair loss). I only had a couple bands that worked good enough because they were over an inch wide. The thin bands won't work. Who knows how long this will work before I just have to cut my hair very short and go back to wearing the head scarves that will cover my whole head. I just have to take it as it comes.

I have no idea what to expect in the days ahead. Just when I think I know how to plan it completely changes. This typically becomes the week my counts begin to drop and I need to be careful. I'm anticipating having to go in for a transfusion next week. I have been dealing with another complication that my doctor is watching closely. I'm having trouble swallowing after my chemo treatments. I can swallow drinks or soft food but nothing I need to chew. She believes it's a spasm. It's already started this evening. Last week I lost 5 pounds from not eating because the swallowing situation freaked me out and then the nausea prevented me from wanting to eat even a cracker. I did want to lose weight for my sisters wedding but not this way (and I have 331 days to prepare...but who is counting.) Please pray for this additional situation. I know I sure keep prayer warriors on their toes...I guess I should say on their knees.

I'm hoping it will be another quiet week. Jim, Matt, and Katie have remained close to me just filling my days with their presence. I stayed in the living room just so I could be near them. I didn't care if they were playing music, watching a movie, reading, or playing a game. They were near me and it's what I needed.

We start taking it hour by hour...starting NOW!